SAUCY SECRETS: I thought I had the perfect husband – then I looked over his shoulder and spotted something so shocking I refuse to believe it’s true

Dear Jana,

Over the past year, my Instagram following has grown significantly, from about 1,000 to over 150,000. For background, I’ve lost a substantial amount of weight and now share inspirational content with my followers. However, in recent months, I’ve been targeted by multiple troll accounts posting negative comments about my weight loss and physical appearance.

My husband has been supportive throughout this journey, but I’ve started to suspect that he might be behind some of these troll accounts. He’s always said he’s proud of me, but I sometimes sense that he might be jealous of my success, especially since he still carries some extra weight himself. Always saying he liked me better when I had more ‘meat on my bones’ and stuff like that.

Recently, I was looking over his shoulder when he was on Instagram and noticed he had more than one account. So later that day I jokingly said to him, ‘it’s not you trolling me is it?’ and he laughed and said ‘no’, but I also noticed he got a nervous twitch that he gets when he’s lying.

The trolling stopped after I questioned him, which has only fuelled my suspicions. How can I determine if my husband is behind these hateful comments without causing further conflict or losing my sanity?

Anonymous

Dear anonymous,

Let me just say… Oh. My. God. Please pause for a second while I go pour myself a big glass of wine for this one. You have presented quite the dilemma.

Ok now that I’ve got a light buzz, let’s get into it…

Do I think your husband is the troll? Yes, yes I do. For a couple of reasons. 1. Unless he runs a business Instagram account, is there any reason he would need some extra ‘finsta’ (fake Instagram) accounts? 2. Wives are mighty good at reading their partner’s body language, and if you’re picking up on his nervous twitch, then there’s more to it. And finally, 3. It is VERY coincidental that the trolling stopped after you called him out.

Now I don’t often condone going through your partner’s phone, but in this case, I think it’s warranted. You need to conjure up your inner Jason Bourne and hack that man’s phone like it’s never been hacked before. 

(Here’s a cheeky tip, go onto his laptop and look at his Instagram from there. All his accounts will come up). Yes, yes, toxic I know, but I honestly think you will go crazy if you don’t get to the bottom of this.

If your man is trolling you, you need to get your affairs in order and kick him to the curb. Make sure your finances and living arrangements are all in order before you confront him because if he’s conniving enough to secretly taunt you, imagine what else he is capable of. The good news is you’re looking hot, hot, hot so what better time to enter the single scene again.

Plus, who wants to be married to a troll? From personal experience, I find them to be deeply bitter, twisted people that you don’t want in your energy field. I would happily say too-taa-loo to this man. A blessing in disguise.

Stay strong and put on your investigator’s hat. You’ve got this.

Dear Jana,

So I’ve been seeing this girl for a few months now casually, and over the weekend I showed up at her place a bit hammered. After a wild night together, I ended up telling her I loved her, but I was just drunk and didn’t really mean it. Now she’s acting like we’re in a full-on relationship, calling me baby or bub and calling me every night. I want to keep things casual like they were before. I know I messed up, but she’s a wild beast in bed. How do I let her down easy and get things back to how they were?

Cheers,

Anonymous

Oh anonymous,

Like many a man before you, you’ve let your doodle speak for your brain! Tutt tutt. Now most people would advise you to have an in-person conversation with her, explaining that you think she’s fabulous, blah, blah, blah, but you’re not ready for a relationship right now.

But I’m thinking of how mortified she will be when you say this to her. So, let’s pivot.

Jana Hocking: Vanilla is a lovely milkshake flavour but who wants it in the bedroom? 

Instead of in person, I would send her a text that casually but honestly fess’ up to your penis’s silly blunder. I would say something as simple as: ‘Hey, I’ve royally effed up. I got so carried away in the heat of the moment and said something I shouldn’t have: The L-word. I’m an idiot, but if it’s any consolation, you are absolute fire in the sack and it got me all worked up. I want to be straight up with you and let you know that right now I’m not looking for anything serious, and I would love to have some more fun times, but I understand if you’re looking for more. Once again, I’m an idiot and I hope I haven’t upset you. Damn you penis!’ 

By adding a little self-deprecating humour and a compliment to her love making skills you will soften the blow and leave her space to sit with your message before responding. Good lord, you men.

Dear Jana,

I’m beginning to dread sleeping with my girlfriend. The problem is she talks dirty during sex, especially after she’s had a lot to drink. In everyday life she’s sweet and mild-mannered, but her bedroom manner is extremely raunchy and degrading. I’ve told her I prefer things kept tamer but she says it’s the only way she can get herself off. But what am I supposed to think? All I want is a regular respectful love life?

Eddie

Dear Eddie,

This woman is a gift from god, and perhaps you should let her fly free from your gilded cage, and into the arms of a man who can match her freak.

I don’t mean to shame you for your slightly boring ways, but nor would I want you to shame her. 

It sounds like she has a fabulous raunchy side and that shouldn’t be dimmed. So perhaps you could have a discussion about meeting halfway – getting rid of the degrading stuff but keeping the raunch. Or perhaps consider that you’re not a good match. 

Vanilla is a lovely milkshake flavour but who wants it in the bedroom? My guess is: not her.