SAUCY SECRETS: I’ve secretly started doing awful things to my husband as revenge for the life I NEVER wanted

Dear Jana,

Lately, I’ve found myself feeling frustrated and becoming passive-aggressive in my marriage, much like my mother was with my father. It’s really starting to stress me out. Even small things, like the sound of my husband chewing, set me off. I catch myself doing little things to express my frustration, like keeping the nice pillows on my side of the bed, adding too much salt to his meals, and sighing or rolling my eyes when he tries to talk to me.

I know I shouldn’t feel this way – I don’t actually hate him. But I can’t shake the feeling of boredom and being stuck in a suburban life that I didn’t anticipate. I envisioned more travel, excitement and intimacy in our relationship. Instead, I often find myself spending Saturday nights reading novels while he watches sports. I would even welcome the chance to go to a game together, just to break the routine.

How can I reignite the spark in our marriage and prevent myself from resenting him? I genuinely don’t want to become like my mother.

Sasha. 

Oh Sasha,

I know the feeling. I usually get it when I am SO tapped out of a relationship.  Seriously, when even their chewing is driving you bonkers, it’s time to say sayonara. In fact, Megan Fox’s ex-husband recently said he knew his marriage was over when she kept getting annoyed by him breathing. LOL – but also tragic. Luckily for me, I can have one of those slightly awkward ‘it’s not you, it’s me chats’ and be done with it. You, however, are in quite the pickle with the whole marriage thing.

But never fear, I have put on my thinking cap on and come up with some easy solutions to your passive dilemma.

First of all, well done on recognising those passive-aggressive tendencies. We all know people who have them and remain completely unaware. Infuriating.

So, if you’re looking for adventure, and more spark in your love life, why not start by communicating it to your hubby – before you give the poor man a heart attack with all that salt.

Explain to him in a gentle way that you’re bored and need to get the heart rate going again. A subtle ‘if not, I’m outta here’ insinuation could put a rocket up him.

Do you know what else I find works? Put him amongst women and see if you get a little jealous. It’s amazing what it can do for one’s libido. Seeing your man getting eyed up by another woman helps remind ourselves that it’s an open market out there, and we should be thankful for what we’ve got.

Also, why not send him a racy text at work? A tasteful nude, perhaps. He’ll be copping speeding tickets to get home to you. Shock the man with some decent sexting and watch him go the extra mile.

Your vajayjay will thank you for it.

Dear Jana,

I’m so fixated on my ex, I listen to his finance podcast on a nightly basis when I go to sleep just to hear his voice. I also stalk his Instagram under a fake account, and occasionally drive by his house to see if he’s home, or worse, entertaining someone. 

Is there a fast-track to getting over someone you’re still deeply in love with? I’m aware I’m acting unhinged but can’t seem to stop! Does everyone go a little crazy during a break-up?

Anonymous.

‘The only remedy is to go cold turkey. Mute him on Instagram, take a different route home, and for at least a month pretend he doesn’t exist. Out of sight, out of mind,’ says Jana

Oh girl,

I’ve been there, done that. One time (in my 20s) I even drove past an ex’s house and saw another girl’s car out the front (the frangipani sticker on the back was a dead giveaway) and I parked behind her car, called him and made him come out and chat to me.

I still cringe thinking about it.

So trust me when I say, I talk from experience. The only remedy is to go cold turkey. Mute him on Instagram, take a different route home, and for at least a month pretend he doesn’t exist. Out of sight, out of mind.

All you’re doing at the moment is torturing yourself. And I promise you, he’s probably not doing half the things your mind is telling you he is doing.

I’m going to say the most annoying (but true) advice I’ve ever been told: It gets easier with time. So give yourself that time. Distract yourself with a glow up – go to the gym, get a tan, try a new hair colour, go for cocktails with the girls.

Do whatever it takes to get this man out of your ol’ brain. And before you know it, you will wake up one day and that dull ache in your heart won’t hurt so much. Give it a year, and you will be 100 per cent better. I promise.

So block, delete and distract. It’s the only way.

Dear Jana,

How often do guys talk to each other? My new boyfriend messages his male best mate all day, every day, even at work. My previous exes weren’t like this. They would typically text to organise a catch-up. Is this normal? I’m beginning to get a bit suss on exactly how close they are…

Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous,

Do you know what? Back in the day I would have been a little suss on it as well. But then I went to work at a male-based radio station and was happily put in the group chat. Me and five fabulous boof-head blokes.

And can I tell you, the texts didn’t stop. We used to do ridiculous things, like on a Friday afternoon everyone had to send the group a picture of their weekend beverage of choice. We even had a running joke: if we came across a freezer in our travels we had to stick our head in it and send a selfie of us doing it to the group chat (it made no sense but gave us all a good chuckle). My brothers and I are in a similar group chat where we send each other ridiculous memes all day.

Men are strange creatures, but they are also hilarious. And we WANT them to be good at communication. With some grim statistics around men’s mental health, if you’re partner has a good friend to chat to then I say hurrah! He’s probably set himself up in a supportive environment.

So let him have his silly text exchanges and be thankful that he’s not sitting at home watching too much porn by himself. Nothing suss, play on.