SAUCY SECRETS: My boyfriend had an affair with a friend of mine. Now I want to tell the world his dark secret as revenge. Should I do it?

Dear Jana,

I broke up with my boyfriend when I found out he was having an affair with a friend-of-a-friend. They’re now together and flaunting it all over social media. I’ve heard through the grapevine that he’s involved in some light drug trafficking and I’m tempted to dob him in. 

I’m trying to justify it to myself by believing it’s for the good of the community, but deep down I know it’s just petty revenge for breaking my heart and making me look like a fool, but why should he continue to live an amazing life while I’m still dealing with the saddness of it all.

Petty but pretty.

Dear Petty but pretty,

Stand down beautiful scorned one. You are not superwoman fighting crimes, you are but an angry ex seeking vengeance. Which is cute in our crime series, but not in real life. And it’s not using your energy wisely.

Instead of breaking your own heart each time you log onto the socials and spot their cringe couple photos, simply block and delete. Be a ruthless queen.

And instead of dobbing him in for drug trafficking, why not focus on giving yourself a glow up? Use that pent up anger in the gym. Make yourself hotter than the new floozy with a bit of Botox and a good facial. The past is done, snore. Focus on the future you who is happy, successful, and completely over that loser.

And if the urge to get back at him still creeps in, just remember all those times he failed to give you an orgasm, or his stinky farts, or that tragic grooming situation in his jocks. Everyone’s got an ick – focus on his!

Dear Jana,

I think my wife is purposely fattening me up. I recently turned 50 and I’ve watched friends battle with heart disease and other conditions as they got on in years. So, I decided to get my life in order. I started going to the gym, walking the dog more, getting out of the office and getting some sun. It’s done wonders for my health and general outlook on life, but my wife keeps trying to serve me the big fatty meals I once used to love, despite knowing I’m on a strict meal plan. Do you think she’s sabotaging my efforts? How do I tell her to stop?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

As someone who loves a ‘Dad Bod’ I’ll be honest, I kinda feel for your wife in this situation.

Sure, your wife’s cooking might feel like an act of sabotage, but it’s more likely that she’s just clinging to the past – the comfort of shared meals, the nostalgia of those big, indulgent dishes. It’s making me hungry just thinking about it.

Have you ever considered that perhaps food is her love language? It has a way of anchoring us to memories and relationships, and it sounds like she’s struggling with the idea of change.

I would start by having a conversation with her. Be honest but approach it with care. Explain to her that you’re trying to look after your health so you can spend more time with her on this earth (romantic, right!) and you need to stay on course.

And you know what else you could do, maybe suggest cooking together. Find some new recipes that are healthy but tasty (apparently, they do exist). This could turn into a way to bond and take some of the heavy lifting off her hands.

And heck, send over her meals to me if you don’t want them. I would love to have a woman cooking for me!

‘life’s too short for regrets, but it’s also too long to deal with unnecessary drama. Keep it fun but keep it smart,’ Jana says 

Dear Jana,

My best friend and I sleep together all the time. Our husbands don’t know, but we like to have the occasional ‘girls trip’ away and spend most of it in bed, and occasionally when they come for dinner we’ll find a reason to sneak to another room to make out. It all started about a year ago after a few too many drinks. I confessed it was on my bucket list to sleep with a woman, and she admitted she was curious, too. One thing led to another, and now I can’t help but feel addicted to our little escapades. It’s like we’ve created this naughty world just for ourselves!

The problem is, I don’t really feel guilty about it, which worries me. Do you think this could turn into something deeper between us? If it does, how do I handle those feelings without messing everything up with our husbands? I’d love to hear your thoughts on navigating this tangled situation!

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Oh lord, you are playing with fire! Yay for experimenting and knowing you won’t go to your grave regretting lost sexual experiences. But boo to having to hide it!

Is it not something you could perhaps share with your husbands? I know an old French couple who had a glorious time in the 70’s when they both confessed their bisexual tendencies to each other. They let each other explore those tendencies and it made for a very happy marriage. Oh, the French. They really are so much more fun.

Regarding your concerns about not feeling guilty, I want to share something a friend once told me. She confided in her therapist about her lack of guilt toward the wife of the man she was secretly seeing. The therapist pointed out that this lack of guilt often comes from not fully grasping the potential fallout of one’s actions.

Basically, you think you’re doing no harm because you believe you won’t get caught. Spoiler alert: despite your best efforts, there’s a fair chance you will. In your case, the fallout could be a breakdown in marriages. Sure, it’s fun to sneak a cheeky fondle when your partners are in the other room, but it’s risky!

I know someone who got caught when her partner checked the security cameras. One stray smooch could land you in divorce court!

Whatever you decide, just remember: life’s too short for regrets, but it’s also too long to deal with unnecessary drama. Keep it fun but keep it smart.