Dear Jana,
My husband recently dropped a bombshell: he said his biggest fantasy would be to watch me sleep with another man – specifically, one of his younger, hotter workmates. He insists this would be the perfect birthday gift for him.
At first, I was stunned, but now that I’ve seen a picture of his colleague I’m kinda intrigued. The only thing I’m torn about is whether this will change how my husband views me or if I’ll live up to his fantasy. Should I go for it or steer clear?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Oh, I love when partners dare to share their fantasies, and props to you for not kink shaming him. It sure beats them exploring those kinks behind each other’s backs, although this one sounds like it wouldn’t really work without your participation.
The fact that you’re intrigued rather than horrified is a good sign. There’s no harm in exploring this fantasy if it excites you. Just make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons and not just to keep your hubby’s eyes from wandering.
Now, let’s answer the real question. How will this change your dynamic? A good dose of caution is essential here. It’s one thing to indulge in a fantasy and quite another to have it alter how he sees you. Make sure you’re both on the same page, and remember, fantasies can be thrilling but sometimes come with a side of unforeseen consequences. Perhaps tell him you will give it a go once, but this will not be a regular thing. Well, unless you end up loving it.
As for living up to the fantasy – well, girl, if you’re intrigued, go ahead and lean into it. Just remember, you’re not a prop in his fantasy; you’re a fabulous, irresistible force in your own right, and you should check in with yourself regularly to make sure you’re enjoying it.
Do what feels right for you and make sure you’re not sacrificing your self-respect for someone else’s horny benefits.
Jana Hocking offers advice to Aussies who confess their dark secrets
Dear Jana,
I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year now, and I’ve repeatedly asked him to unfollow his ex on social media. Although I don’t think there’s anything ongoing between them, he did admit she broke his heart when we first started dating. Asking him to unfollow her always leads to arguments.
He insists that she’s not an issue and refuses to cut off contact, which makes me feel second-best. I feel uncomfortable with the idea of him keeping her in his social media circle, and she’s constantly liking all his pictures. It makes me wonder if they’re both holding on to something for each other.
Even though I acknowledge this makes me feel insecure, he dismisses my feelings, calls me crazy, and won’t choose between her and me. Am I being unreasonable, or is it time to reconsider this relationship?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Nope, nope, nope. He’s in the wrong, you’re in the right.
This is clearly eating you alive – and as someone who knows the perils of being with someone who doesn’t mind following the ghosts of girlfriends past, I totally understand the heartfelt pang you get every time you see her name pop up.
Let me be very clear, your feelings are completely valid, and it’s important to recognize that his actions are giving you clear red flags. Big, rude, obnoxious ones.
And if I’m being completely honest, it sounds like he’s finding it difficult to cut the cord with his past relationship. Ouch.
What’s making me particularly annoyed on your behalf, is that he’s dismissing your feelings and calling you crazy. Oh, not today Satan! This kind of behaviour is a form of gaslighting, which is a serious issue in any relationship. I mean, have you watched Love Island? It’s rife in our current dating scene, and it shouldn’t be tolerated. It undermines your emotions and makes you doubt your own reality.
So, I think it’s crucial to consider your own well-being. I would attempt to have a calm and honest discussion about how his social media choices impact you. Express your feelings without accusing or blaming and listen to his perspective as well.
If he still can’t see that it’s upsetting you, I would reflect on whether this relationship is meeting your needs, and whether you feel respected. Your feelings and needs are important, and you deserve to be with someone who respects and values you. Full stop.
‘People really underestimate the importance of looking and feeling amazing,’ Jana says
Dear Jana,
I recently splurged my entire tax refund on filler and Botox, and now my husband is absolutely furious. We’re supposed to be saving for a house deposit, and he insists that I should have used the money for that instead. But this is my hard-earned cash, and after hitting 40, I’ve been feeling pretty down about my appearance.
Should I be wracked with guilt over this indulgence, or is it fair to treat myself and prioritize my own self-esteem? I’ve never felt hotter!
Josephine
Girl,
In the immortal words of Aziz Ansari’s character in ‘Parks and Rec’: TREAT YO’ SELF! Are you skipping meals or going scrimp on toilet paper? No. So why should you feel any shame about a little splurge on yourself?
Look, I get it – adulting sometimes means we must make tough choices, but honestly, a house deposit can wait. You just turned 40, and if a few needles make you feel like a hot, radiant goddess, then I say go for it! Embrace that va va voom.
Hell, I’m practically on a first-name basis with my derm; when I walk into that clinic, my motto is: ‘Throw the needles at me like I’m a human dartboard!’
It’s your money, your self-esteem, and your hotness. So tell him to zip it with the nagging and let you live your best life. People really underestimate the importance of looking and feeling amazing.
***
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