SAUCY SECRETS: My situationship won’t commit but whinges when I see other men. Then he did something VERY weird when I was on a date…

Dear Jana,

My best friend recently confided in me that she’s been having the best sex of her life with her new boyfriend, and now I’m weirdly jealous. Not because I fancy her boyfriend, but of how confident and comfortable she now is in her sexuality.

I feel like my partner and I are just fumbling through it in comparison. How do I stop comparing myself and actually enjoy the sex I’m having?

Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous,

Okay, pull up a chair and let me tell you something about sex and confidence: everyone looks like they know what they’re doing… until the lights come on. Trust me, even your bestie’s ‘mind-blowing’ escapades probably involve an awkward elbow to the face or the occasional ‘oops, wrong spot!’ moment. It’s just part of the magic!

You think porn is filmed in one take? Nope. There’s plenty of, ‘Alright, let’s do that again’. And why do you think there are sex coordinators on Hollywood movie sets – because it’s a full-time job making sex look, well, sexy sometimes.

Plus, I think sex is kind of like Instagram: you only brag about your best moments. Ask her what it’s like when her bloke is suffering from the ‘man flu’ or after a few too many beers. No man can perform like a stallion all the time.

So I’m going to be blunt: your head is in the wrong place (or should I say the wrong bedroom). Instead of worrying about what’s happening in your friend’s boudoir, focus on making yours the sexiest, happiest place it can be. Are you spritzing yourself with perfume? Are you lighting candles? Did you both remember to brush your teeth. Even the smallest things can help create the ‘mood’ for a raunchy good time.

Also, sex starts outside of the bedroom. Why not share your fantasies or ask about theirs? You can always laugh through any awkwardness, but the more you talk about it, the easier it gets.

And here’s my cheeky challenge: pick one thing that feels a little wild (for you) and give it a go. Maybe it’s a new position, some saucy lingerie, or a little ‘adult’ shopping spree. Whatever it is, make it about your pleasure, not someone else’s highlight reel.

Up your game and get your groove back.

Dear Jana,

I hate my best friend’s partner. He’s lazy, unmotivated and just a total drain on her. She’s funny, gorgeous, smart and works hard, while he does absolutely nothing. He’s been ‘looking for a job’ for a year now, but we all know he’s not even trying.

She’s the one paying the rent, bills and everything in between, while he sits around making excuses. I’ve tried hinting, joking and even being blunt about how she deserves better, but she brushes me off with excuses like, ‘He’s going through a rough patch’, or, ‘He’ll change.’

Change? He hasn’t lifted a finger since the day I met him.

Jana gives some blunt advice to a woman stuck in a situationship with a man who refuses to commit to her, but gets ‘weird’ whenever she dates other men

The final straw was when she told me she was considering using her savings to buy him a car so he can ‘job hunt’. A car! For someone who can’t even commit to helping her around the house. How do I get her to wake up and see what everyone else sees, that she’s carrying this man and it’s only going to drag her down?

She’s amazing and could do so much better than this. I’m at my wits’ end.

Kate.

Dear Kate,

If only we could pick and choose who our besties end up with. Sadly (and sometimes thankfully) we don’t all have the same taste. But trust me, I feel your frustration. Your friend is clearly a catch, and it sounds like she’s dating, well, a loser.

So, let’s address this ‘rough patch’ excuse. A rough patch is a bad week at work, not a year-long siesta from adulthood. And don’t even get me started on the car. A car for job-hunting? Oh, please. Unless he’s hunting for jobs in the middle of the desert, the man doesn’t need a vehicle. Instead, he needs a reality check. 

Your friend doesn’t get off scot-free tier. She’s an enabler to his lazy, BS behaviour.

I get it, love makes us blind, deaf and (apparently) willing to fund a manchild’s extended gap year. Been there, done that. But here’s the honest truth: she won’t wake up until she’s ready. If I had a dollar for the number of times my friends told me to dump one particular loser, I could have bought a house in Sydney by now.

But you’ve done your part by being honest, and that’s all you can do without turning into the bad guy. Because that’s what will happen.

So here’s the plan: instead of wasting your energy on him, pour it into her. Be her cheerleader, remind her of her brilliance, and subtly drop nuggets like, ‘You deserve someone who matches your ambition!’ Eventually, she’ll piece it together.

And I wouldn’t be doing my due diligence if I didn’t offer up at least one piece of slightly toxic advice: if all else fails, maybe ‘accidentally’ introduce her to a man who has his life together. Sometimes a girl just needs to see what’s out there to realise she’s been settling for scraps. Throw some gorgeous, successful men her way and see how it plays out.

Just saying…

Dear Jana, 

This guy and I started out as a casual hook-up about six months ago, and I was totally fine with that at first. No strings, no drama. But then the lines started blurring. He would stay over more often, text me all day, and even started introducing me to his friends. You know, boyfriend stuff.

He even tells me that sex with other people isn’t ‘a big deal’ and that we’re both free to do so. His exact words were, ‘We’re just having fun, no need to make it complicated.’ Except… every time I mention that I’m going on a date or have matched with a guy on a dating app, he gets all weird. Suddenly, he’s texting me non-stop like a jealous boyfriend, asking questions like, ‘What do they do for a living?’ or ‘Do you think they’re hotter than me?’

Last week, I casually mentioned a second date I had planned, and he showed up at my apartment with take-away ‘just because’. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone eat Thai food so passive-aggressively.

I’m stuck in this bizarre limbo where he doesn’t want to commit but also doesn’t want me to find someone else. And if I bring this up, I feel like it’ll either turn into a fight or he will pull away completely, and I don’t know if I’m ready to lose him yet.

How do I address this double standard without blowing the whole thing up? Or am I just holding onto something that’s already doomed? Please help – I can’t keep eating emotionally fraught pad thai.

Sonia

Oh girl,

Let me get this straight… he wants the girlfriend perks (sleepovers, daily texts, meeting his mates) but none of the responsibility? And now he’s weaponising Thai food to mark his territory? Not today, Satan!

This man is playing the oldest game in the ‘I’m not ready to commit’ playbook – keeping you on the hook just enough to stop you from swimming away, but not enough to give you what you deserve. It’s called breadcrumbing, Sonia, and you’re worth so much more than that!

So, buckle up because it’s time to put your big-girl panties on and call his bluff, and I promise it doesn’t have to be a drama-fest. Next time he starts with the passive-aggressive pad thai routine, hit him with this:

‘Hey, I’ve noticed you get weird when I talk about seeing other people, but you’ve made it clear we’re just having fun. I’m confused. What exactly are we doing here?’

Direct, honest and straight to the point. Plus, it shows you’ve got enough confidence and self-respect to ask – and to the right guy that’s sexy!

Because the thing is, men will push the envelope as far as they can before actually committing. It’s a test. And you’re letting him win.

Asking him directly leaves the ball in his court. If he freaks out, that’s on him, not you. If he suddenly realises he can’t live without you, great. But if he stays in this weird limbo of wanting you but not wanting to commit, then you have your answer.

And here’s a cold, hard fact: if he’s not stepping up, someone else will. Don’t let this guy clip your wings while he’s sitting on the fence. You deserve someone who wants you, and only you, without playing these childish games.

Oh, and if you’re worried about losing him, remember this – letting go of the wrong person makes room for the right one. Trust me, I found that out the hard way. Oh, the years I waited on that particular man who blew hot and cold. If I could go back in time and slap some sense into myself, I would. So perhaps, do as I say, not as I’ve done. No more time-wasters getting in the way of us meeting our one.

You got this!

Got a saucy dilemma you need answering? Email me: jana.hocking@mailonline.com