As an actress, whenever I was called into work, I would kiss my two-year-old daughter goodbye, leaving my husband to take care of her at our home in Arizona. Depending on the job, I would fly to either Los Angeles, Vegas or Miami.
On a typical day’s shoot, I’d head to the studio at 9am, jump into the hair and make-up trailer and by lunchtime I’d be filming scenes with my co-star before finishing for the day around 5pm.
Then, before my daughter’s bedtime, I’d always FaceTime her so she could say her prayers and I’d blow her kisses goodnight. All in all, a pretty average day for a working actress mum. The only difference, perhaps, is that I was working as a porn star.
For me, being in porn for four years was like any other nine-to-five job – there were parts I loved, parts I hated and I paid taxes on the money I made, just like everyone else.
But I never forgot the advice one porn star – also a mum – gave me as I was starting out. ‘When people find out what you do, you’re going to want to die,’ she warned. ‘But I promise you, a couple of years on, no one will care.’
And she was right. When friends and family discovered I was in the porn industry, it was terrible. I was dragged through the mud, told to get a real job and worst of all, called a bad mother. My family even tried to take my daughter away from me.
But, despite everything, I’ll never ever regret being a porn star. Although I left the industry five years ago, there are times, truthfully, when I still miss it.
So, how did I fall into it in the first place? It all began nine years ago, while I was working as a dancer in a strip club. I was 22, and happily married to Max for two years. We are both highly sexed, in fact we’re also swingers, so it seemed a natural step to discuss doing couples’ porn together. Max contacted an agent, but they were only interested in signing me. Over the next few weeks, I discussed the opportunity with Max and eventually we decided we were both happy with my new job offer.
‘Emily’ says she loved doing porn because it ‘liberated another side of me’
When I flew to Miami for my first porn shoot, even though I messed up my lines a few times because I was so nervous, I loved filming so much. I ended up staying in Miami for three weeks.
I immediately loved the glitz and the glam, such as being fussed over in the make-up chair, walking the red carpet for the AVN Awards – the annual awards show for the adult film industry, often called the Oscars of Porn.
I also loved doing porn because it liberated another side of me. My daughter was a little under two when I started in the industry, so while I was a mum, a wife, a friend; I was now a sex goddess – my porn star persona was my alter ego.
My husband works as a mechanic, and has bags of self-esteem, so he didn’t have any feelings of jealousy other partners might have. The only emotional connection I have during sex is when I’m having sex with him. I completely separate my feelings at work. Having sex with a male co-star, I felt no emotional connection at all. But that’s not to say that I didn’t enjoy it.
I learned a lot about my own sexuality making films.
Ultimately though, when you’re shooting porn, it’s basically: Action, cut, action, cut. As one of the older actresses told me: ‘If it feels good, you’re doing it wrong.’
Were there feelings of shame and conflict when I got into the industry as a mother? Absolutely. I’m Hispanic and it’s a culture that is very macho – women are expected to cook, clean and care for the children – so it was difficult for me. I really questioned myself, thinking: I’m a mum – should I be doing this?
What made it even harder was the barrage of negativity I had from my own family. It’s still difficult for me to talk about.
‘Emily’ worked as a dancer in a strip club before moving into the porn industry
I hadn’t even shot my first sex scene when my secret went public.
The studio had requested I created a Twitter (now X) account as all adult movie stars have one. So, I opened an account under my porn star pseudonym, then posted a topless shot of myself with a female co-star. I didn’t realise at the time but a notification went out to everyone in my contacts who also had a Twitter account. After that, all hell broke loose.
My mother-in-law immediately sent a text, which, let’s just say, was not very civil, which hurt so much.
I have four kids now – two boys and two girls –– and my children are my life. My mother, father and sister-in-law said horrible things. Pretty much all of our family disapproved, other than two male cousins who were simply intrigued about it.
One male cousin on my mother’s side of the family stated: ‘If you were a guy, the family wouldn’t give a s***, but because you’re a woman it is frowned upon. Especially since you’re married and have a child.’
My supportive husband stood firm and told them all via text: ‘This is our life. We don’t tell any of you what to do with yours, so don’t tell us what to do with ours. Our daughter is loved and taken care of, and that’s all that matters.’
Unlike my husband, I was more sensitive to the judgment and criticism. A lot of that stems from my troubled childhood. My father was an alcoholic and, as a young child, was never really in my life. However, aged 15, I was sent to live with my estranged dad as my mum’s new partner caused serious issues between me and her – everything was suddenly about him and his family. It was a real low point in my life. I was diagnosed with depression and dropped out of school (although at 18, I did go back to get my high school diploma).
So, when my family said terrible stuff about me doing adult movies, all the feelings I’d had since I was 15 resurfaced, taking a toll on my mental health. Even worse, my family tried to take my daughter away from me. They reported me to the police, but when we spoke to a social worker at the police station, she actually said: ‘You haven’t done anything wrong. What you’re doing isn’t illegal. Kudos to you.’
There is an assumption that anyone who makes adult films must be emotionally damaged, but I don’t agree. I know I have issues with my parents, but my porn star career was my decision, with my husband’s blessing. And you know what? Some people just like to have a lot of sex.
A co-star once told me: ‘I love sex and if I can make money doing what I love while I’m still young and look good, why not?’
It’s a valid point. If I were a doctor or a teacher, no one would bat an eyelid. Because I made adult films, people felt entitled to have an opinion about my life. Also, there are so many misconceptions about women in the industry – that we’re dirty, we do drugs, we’re promiscuous. It’s simply not true. We have to be tested (for HIV and STDs) every two weeks, which is more than most people do.
However, when I found out I was pregnant with my second child, I decided to stop making adult films. I could have made so much money during my pregnancy – there’s a demand for every kind of fetish, after all – but I didn’t want anyone touching my belly. It was my space, my secret.
Also, I was starting to feel miserable at work. My agent was telling me to cut and dye my hair and to change my look – the very essence of who I was. I didn’t want any of that. Also, when I told them I was pregnant, they said: ‘If you ever plan on coming back, don’t get stretch marks.’ I knew it was time to get out.
Now, at 30, I’m a stay-at-home mum. My oldest is ten and my youngest is two. Of course, I worry about them finding out about my past. Despite this worry, I have started to share my secret with close friends.
If I feel I can trust them and that they will not judge me, I’d rather them hear the truth from me first – that way they can ask me questions rather than make assumptions or have false information.
Mostly, they are all intrigued – not upset – and ask questions like: How does it feel? Do you get to choose your male talent? Although, some of their husbands have said to them: ‘You can’t hang out with her any more, she’ll get you to do it too.’
As if I would ever encourage my friends to get into porn!
But I bet while some husbands were criticising me publicly, privately they were Googling me. I tend to keep a low profile though. I was recognized once when I was at a mall and asked if I was Emily* – my porn star pseudonym. I told them it was my twin sister, even though I don’t have one.
Naturally, I worry about the parents and teachers at my children’s school finding out, especially since we’ve moved to a Bible Belt state in the southern part of the United States, where conservatism and religious beliefs are dominant. It’s inevitable that people judge you in life no matter what, but I think the judgment would be even worse here. I don’t care if people judge me but I would hate for my past actions to affect my kids in any way.
My children are being brought up to be very open and accepting of others, but I still worry all the time about how and when I will tell them about my porn star past.
With my eldest, I’ll wait until she’s 14 or 15. She’s very mature for her age, and an inquisitive child. I plan on being completely open with her and answering whatever questions she has.
Saying that, I would absolutely ban her from seeing my films!
At the end of the day, being a porn star has nothing to do with the simple fact that I am a mother and that I love all of my children very much.
Many people thought because I was in porn, I’d end up a drug addict or divorced and that my kids would suffer, but in fact my children are thriving. It was why a few years ago I decided to take part in photographer Mary Beth Koeth’s photo series, Porn Moms (mbkoeth.com), which featured me and other mums who work in adult movies. I was excited to hear from someone who wanted to share a side of the industry which no one sees and to show that there are so many misconceptions about mothers in the industry.
I don’t regret starring in porn films at all, but I know people really want me to regret it. It’s a part of my past – and one which I freely admit I do miss. But don’t worry – if you ever come to my home, it won’t be sex toys you’ll see lying all over the place, only kids’ toys. Being a porn star doesn’t define me – it’s just one small part of who I am.
* Names and identifying details have been changed
* As told to Lina Das
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