Secret to mind-blowing sex? Pencil romps in your diary and discuss any turn-ons ahead of time

Spontaneous passion should no longer be people’s aim after the age of 40, a sex and relationships coach has advised.

For the best sex, people over 40 should schedule it in their diary and discuss what will happen in the bedroom to ensure mutual satisfaction.

Even when it comes to dating over 40, grabbing someone for a passionate kiss is apparently a dated approach.

To avoid misunderstandings, it is much safer to ask someone if you can kiss them first, according to Ruth Ramsay, who helps couples improve their sex lives.

The intimacy coach will address myths around sex for people aged 40 to 70 at the Postcards from Midlife Live event being held in London on May 19 and 20.

She says people need to let go of the ideas that scheduled sex, recently recommended by television presenter Mariella Frostrup, is unromantic, and embrace planning it and discussing what it will entail.

Ramsay told the Mail: ‘We are wedded to this idea of spontaneous, wordless passionate sex, but in midlife, in long-established relationships, planning sex and knowing it is coming up can produce more desire.

‘We shouldn’t treat sex like something we do spontaneously if there is time, after everything else in life, from work to housework, to life admin and looking after children is done.

‘That’s how people go weeks or months without having sex at all.

‘It is better to treat it like a hobby, which you set aside an hour for, because it is important to you and you want to ensure it happens.’

The sex coach warns against ‘silent, wordless’ passionate sex, of the type she says features in popular television shows like Bridgerton, instead advising couples to talk about sex before it happens.

She said: ‘The three main problems women have in midlife is that they have lost their libido, their partner is no longer interested in sex, or they want more than they currently experience in the bedroom.

‘Talking about sex before it happens is not unromantic, it avoids assuming that the other person is a mind reader.

‘It is a good opportunity for both people to talk about what they would like sex to include to give them pleasure.’

Spontaneous sex is often shown as happening – and ending – very quickly on screen, which is another reason not to copy it, according to Ramsay.

She said: ‘On television, women may achieve orgasm in a couple of minutes, but the evidence shows in real life it takes on average 13 and a half minutes of high arousal before a woman achieves orgasm.

‘One of the major reasons women fake it is because they are worried they are taking too long, which is another reason why a scheduled hour for sex may be better than a quickie.’

Finally, for those dating after divorce, or single past 40, Ramsay said the rules have changed.

Warning that a man grabbing a woman for a kiss may seem presumptuous, she said: ‘Asking someone in a whisper if you can kiss them can be very sexy and help the other person relax into pleasure.

‘There doesn’t need to be a business contract beforehand, but seeking consent rather than trying to be spontaneous is important.’