Keeping the spark alive in a long-term relationship can be fraught, especially if you’re juggling a hectic work day, family commitments or even a flagging libido.
But as sex and relationship expert Cyndi Darnell points out enjoying an active sex life isn’t just reserved for those newly paired up, it’s also as important for those together over the long haul.
‘If you expect that lust is going to be the motivator for sex in a long-term relationship, you are deluded,’ she told FEMAIL.
‘Lust thrives on imagination, that thrives on time, that thrives on creativity which is reduced in family life and reduced after children.’
Here, we debunk the great myth of how many times a week you should be having sex to ways you can introduce new ideas, and reveal the top five things you can do keep those passionate flames burning.
Sex and relationship expert Cyndi Darnell (pictured) reveals the ways you can keep your sex life smouldering
Make eroticism a priority
Given it’s harder and harder for couples to find time to connect, it’s important there’s room in a relationship for better, but not necessarily more frequent, sex.
Cyndi said there’s little point to trying to fit sex into a busy lifestyle because it doesn’t work, ‘if it worked people would do it.’
‘Squeezing it in after a 12-hour day is futile because you’re tired. Having sex at night when you’re tired isn’t very sexy.
‘Fulfilling sex is more likely to happen when you’re relaxed, when you have fewer time pressures, when you’re able to engage in the kind of sex you had when you were dating.’
It’s important for couples to make time to connect, said the sex therapist. ‘Fulfilling sex is more likely to happen when you’re relaxed’
She suggests couples make time to have sex a priority, and said it’s likely this won’t happen three or four times a week.
‘Sometimes folk get confused thinking frequency is important, I am more inclined to say quality is important.
‘If you’re able to do it once a week, or once a fortnight or once a month, that’s okay. It’s the quality of the connection.’
Exploring or introducing new ideas
Cyndi is of the opinion that because our culture is so uncomfortable talking about sex, we’re as likely to default to doing it, rather than discussing it first.
‘When we don’t communicate about sex, we let anxiety take over. When anxiety is making erotic decisions, things can get very messy,’ she said.
The expert urges couples to consider openly talking about what they like or think they may want to try, rather than stridently stating what they don’t like.
‘Rather saying “I hate it when you do that”, instead try saying “this is what I like…, I really like it when you kiss me here…, I really like it when you touch me like that…
‘Saying to someone “Don’t do that” doesn’t tell them anything about what you do want them to do.”
The expert urges couples to consider openly talking about what they like or think they may want to try
Watching porn with your partner
Though the relationship expert notes watching porn isn’t necessarily for everyone, she did say it can be a useful tool for couples who want to exploring a variety of sexual ideas.
‘Sometimes if one partner is a little more reluctant than the other it can be useful to let the more reluctant partner choose the kind of porn they want to watch because there are so many varieties these days.
‘It used be very much focused on a particular style of sex or favouring a particular gender but now there are so many other kinds.
‘It’s not all huge boobs and ejaculating on people’s faces, there’s a whole lot of other stuff which brings different kinds of eroticism into play such as exploring power dynamics. Be willing to explore that.’
Though watching porn might not be for everyone, Cyndi did say it can be a useful tool for couples who want to explore a variety of sexual ideas
Feeling good about your body in bed
Chances are our bodies aren’t necessarily going to look the way we’d like them too, but Cyndi said this shouldn’t a reason to stop having sex.
If this is the case, choose positions that are more flattering, or choose dim lighting, or wear clothing that enhances that parts of your body you do like, she said.
‘If you think you’ve got pretty feet or pretty ankles or a nice collar bone or pretty hands, emphasise those things.
‘Men, if you don’t like your belly, or think your penis is too small, focus on other things you can do to bring pleasure to your partner in different ways.
‘If you’re waiting to feel perfect, you’re never going to have the kind of sex you want,’ Cyndi added.
Don’t let how you feel about your body stop you from having sex, instead choose to emphasise those aspects of your body you like instead
Spend time thinking about sex
The sex therapist draws an analogy between food and sex saying when she asks clients the kind of foods they like, they can tell her easily because they’ve been willing to try it, but she said ‘we don’t give ourselves the same freedom with sex.’
‘If you don’t spend any time thinking about the sex you want, it’s going to be very difficult for you to be able to have the kind of sex you want.
‘That’s not to say you should try absolutely everything, but if there is no curiosity and there is no willingness, you’re going to be wondering why you are unsatisfied.’
Cyndi also believes women should become more aware about how their bodies work.
Cyndi believes women should become more aware about how their bodies work
‘For a lot of women, their genitals are a mystery,’ the expert said.
‘So it’s really important to find out what’s going on in your pants, to understand how it works and to recognise that penis and vagina sex for the vast majority of women does not produce an orgasm, and that does not make you abnormal.
She said its fundamentally important for women to learn about their bodies, either by exploring their bodies through masturbation, or through educating themselves in other ways.
‘When we are taught sex ed in a high school, it’s all about how to make a baby but the reality is most adults aren’t having sex to make a baby,’ she concluded.