A single mother who kept dating during her pregnancy and after the birth of her baby has candidly detailed her experience — and described it as a lighthearted, enjoyable and slightly transformative time in her life.
Alyssa Shelasky, 40, had always wanted to be a mother. Over the course of her eventful love life, she found that she had real chemistry with ‘difficult men’, and while dating them was an enjoyable experience, starting a family with them wasn’t in the cards.
But the writer, who is based in New York City, didn’t want to wait for a man’s ‘permission’ to become a parent, and thus conceived her daughter with the help of a sperm donor.
Looking back: Alyssa Shelasky, 40, has candidly detailed her experience of dating during her pregnancy, describing it as a light-hearted time in her life
Parent: The writer, based in New York City, found that she had real chemistry with ‘difficult men’, and while dating them was enjoyable, starting a family with them wasn’t in the cards
She wasn’t concerned with how her love life would turn out during those nine months, and felt confident that her personality and her approach to dating would remain the same.
‘I experienced enough great love and great sex and great heartbreak for one lifetime and if it never happened again, so be it!’ she told the DailyMail.com.
‘But I also knew that I would always be me. I’d always be a flirt, always (for whatever reason) attract interesting men, I’d always love Love. Women are so afraid of changing after a baby, but I knew my core and my soul would stay the same.’
Shelasky, who opened up about her dating life in a candid essay for Lenny Letter earlier this week, recounted how her ‘off-the-charts chemistry with on-the-fringe men’ seemed to shape all her long-term relationships, which she didn’t mind.
‘I was comfortable with this construction. I savored the challenge of seducing, then taming, these artists and outlaws,’ she wrote.
But three years ago, the writer went through a ‘bad breakup’ with an Italian man, with whim she thought she would one day have children. When he changed his mind, Shelasky still felt ‘overwhelmingly ready’ to become a parent.
Determined: Shelasky didn’t want to wait for a man’s ‘permission’ to become a parent, and thus conceived her daughter with the help of a sperm donor
Milestone: The mother gave birth to Hazel Delilah Shelasky, two years ago, and found that welcoming her daughter into her life changed her love life sightly
‘So I decided to pursue motherhood with every bone in my body and every buck in my bank account,’ she wrote. ‘I met with the most beautiful and affirming Single Moms by Choice; I read every book and blog on the donor decision. It felt thrilling and joyful and profoundly right.’
The mother found that her pregnancy didn’t impede on her dating life, and even after learning that she was about to go through with the insemination, a man whom she identified only as Famous Guy (and the recipient of People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive title) flirted with her during a party.
I was just so excited by life, which is a fun feeling to be around
‘Famous Guy was the first of many lovely men to ask me out despite the fact that I was about to be, and then became, fully pregnant,’ she added.
Shelasky wasn’t very surprised when potential suitors kept asking her out during her pregnancy.
‘I felt sexy. My breasts were amazing! And I was just so excited by life, which is a fun feeling to be around,’ she told the DailyMail.com.
Dating while pregnant turned out to be a fun experience for the future mom. ‘It felt extremely light-hearted,’ she added.
‘Like, “Sure, I’ll go to that amazing Italian restaurant with you and eat carbonara and have some laughs!” There was no pressure. Zero intensity. I knew at the end of the day that dating was not important right now. Plus, I had the most robust appetite. Eating was so pleasurable.’
Thus, while dating wasn’t her priority, Shelasky enjoyed several dates, including one with a single father who discussed parenting freely and got her even more excited about becoming a mother.
Memories: ‘I felt sexy. My breasts were amazing! And I was just so excited by life, which is a fun feeling to be around,’ Shelasky told DailyMail.com about her pregnancy
Happy: Since welcoming her daughter into her life, Shelasky has found that she is less stressed about dating. She met her current partner seven months after Hazel’s birth
While she didn’t become intimate with any of her dating partners, the writer felt ‘desired and admired’ during their outings.
The birth of her daughter, Hazel, two years ago, did change her love life slightly. Shelasky found herself looking for different qualities in potential partners, with an emphasis on reliability.
‘Basically, I was too tired to f**k around,’ she said. ‘Either you were an incredible, gorgeous person, inside and out, or you weren’t invited to the party. Whoever I dated needed to check all my boxes, or bye bye.
‘I had always liked flakey, creative, sexy-stoner type men… I liked their boyishness and non-neurosis…. When you have no time and a baby, unreliable people are huge turn-offs.’
When you have no time and a baby, unreliable people are huge turn-offs
Since welcoming her daughter into her life, Shelasky has found that she is less stressed about dating.
‘I never experienced the frustrations and anxieties of dating again, because I always knew I had her. And that meant I would always be okay,’ she said. ‘But the reality is, I met my boyfriend shortly after she was born—he loves both of us so much and we adore him beyond imagination.’
The writer met her current partner when Hazel was seven months old. She brought the baby girl on her third date with him, and they became a trio that now lives together.
‘I never want to get engaged or married, but I love sharing a life so much that it’s embarrassing,’ Shelasky wrote in her essay.
To single parents navigating the dating scene, she recommended: ‘Date for the sake of romance and pleasure, for a night out as an adult, for delicious wine, for the time and space to breathe and feel beautiful… almost as if it’s meditative. Whatever happens next is just cake.’