Soapwatch with JACI STEPHEN: Soap’s wackiest wedding!

EMMERDALE

A wedding wouldn’t be a wedding if something didn’t go horrifically wrong, and you know that anything with Charity’s name on it will never run smoothly. Men. Women. Adultery. Her hair.

She’s a walking metaphor for all life’s disasters – and a great character. After seeing a slideshow of pictures of Mackenzie and a reference to The A-Team, Charity is inspired to gift her betrothed a replica A-Team van.

Given that the village appears to struggle finding a local bus, you’d think it would be more of a problem than it proves to be. But before long they’re in their A-Team outfits with said van.

When passion gets the better of them, PC Swirling arrives and tells them the van has been involved in a robbery and he has to arrest the pair. Where are The A-Team when you need them?

All’s well that ends well and they are released, but will the wedding go ahead when Mackenzie disappears after hearing Chloe has gone into labour? Waiting at the church, Charity fears the worst.

We all know she belongs with Cain, who is her true soulmate. I suppose it’s too much to hope that he leaves Moira – a woman to whom he has about as much connection as a haggis has with a lentil stew – and whisks Charity off.

Always guaranteed to lighten the narrative load (and boy, do we need it at the moment), Bernice comes up with an idea to stem criticism of her menopause group being boring – a life-drawing class.

When the model calls in sick, Bernice decides to pose herself. Elliot takes a secret photo through the café door, and his face drops when he sees Bernice rather than a hot young model. Could have been worse.

Without naming names, it could have been a whole lot worse. Oh, OK, then. Zak. Eric. Sam… I could go on.

Bernice makes another plan when she hears that the Man Club are running a 5k. She challenges them by saying she will run 10k. Hopefully, with her kit on.

EASTENDERS

A confession from Denise and all hell breaks loose 

Walford’s men have done many things to woo women, though usually a pint and a packet of pork scratchings seals the deal. Ravi has bigger plans and buys Chelsea a dress for Nish’s party.

Suffice it to say it’s no Oscar de la Renta, but Felix and Bernie are impressed. Really? Should’ve gone to Specsavers. Ravi goes further and introduces Chelsea as his girlfriend.

It’s destined to be short-lived when Denise tells Jack about her and Ravi. The copper storms off to confront Ravi, and all hell breaks loose.

Ravi goes further and introduces Chelsea (both pictured) as his girlfriend. It’s destined to be short-lived when Denise tells Jack about her and Ravi

Ravi tries to make amends with Chelsea, but she orders him out of her life. She can really pick ’em.

So, what next for Jack and Denise, when Amy’s life takes a downward turn in reaction to the warring couple? I recommend a Double Ditch: Denise and the Incredible Shrinking Overcoat.

Suki is in misery mode again when she hears that Kheerat’s trial has been brought forward – though forward doesn’t begin to cover it. The trial’s over in about as much time as it would take a jury to deliberate over someone stealing a packet of crisps.

Suki’s stress is compounded when she discovers a memory stick with footage of her attack on Ranveer. And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, she finds the stick is missing and Nish reveals he has it.

CORONATION STREET

So many men, so little time. Jackson is in hot pursuit of Faye and wants her to move south. Talk about bad timing, because in Victoria Gardens, Craig goes down on one knee and proposes to her.

Goodness knows why; has there ever been such a misery in the history of Soapland? Faye probably wouldn’t manage to get the words ‘I do’ out without a course of counselling.

Can’t Craig find a nice PC down at the station? Or use his handcuffs to chain Faye to a radiator until she cheers up? Or buy her that one-way ticket to head south? Heck, I’ll pay for it.

His mum is loved-up too, but will Beth reciprocate when Marco kisses her on the lips? And when she and Marco bump into Faye and Jackson at a hotel bar, how will they react, having both been caught with their exes?

In Victoria Gardens, Craig (pictured) goes down on one knee and proposes to Faye – who Jackson is also in hot pursuit of

Here’s a thought: how about going to a different hotel bar?

Nothing good ever comes from the one they all seem inexplicably drawn to – and the one, to boot, that is strangely lacking in that thing hotels rely on. Staff.

In a major shock, Dr Gaddas does the unthinkable and says she’ll arrange tests for Roy, who is suffering chest pains. Ah, if only she’d thought to do the same with Carla, for whom a rest and a bowl of soup seemed sufficient.

Ryan’s fears for the future

Corrie’s Ryan Prescott commends the ‘incredible’ prosthetics that have made it possible for his character Ryan Connor to react convincingly to the facial injuries he sustained in the acid attack.

‘The first time he sees his face, he’s thinking, “I’m never going to have love in my life again. I’m the one people look at in the street.’

He’s not wrong, and when a little girl stares at him, it reinforces his condition. ‘She is so innocent, and Ryan sees in her eyes her reaction to him. Fear.’