The candidates were so inept you feared for Lord Sugar on The Apprentice, by Jim Shelley

After last week’s million pound triumph, The Apprentice reverted to type with its traditional task featuring the teams sourcing and purchasing a list of nine items, which this year was a disappointment.

‘A dozen freshly laid free-range eggs’ and ‘a bushel of apples’ for example were so straightforward any idiot could locate them – as they proved.

As for the more obscure objects, no, the quant, a snaffle, or even the rigger jigger did NOT involve the candidates going to Ann Summers, although, yes, that should be a part of the task from now on.

Underwhelming: After last week’s million pound triumph, The Apprentice reverted to type with its traditional task featuring the teams sourcing and purchasing a list of nine items… 

... which this year was bitterly disappointing to watch, due to the candidates' stupidity

… which this year was bitterly disappointing to watch, due to the candidates’ stupidity  

The shopping challenge is one of The Apprentice’s most entertaining and (in practical terms) illuminating episodes, relying on the entrepreneurs’ negotiating skills, organizational ability, and (don’t snigger) common sense.

Tonight though, the candidates were so inept, irrational, and ignorant, it was almost as if last week’s episode and Team Empower’s £1,240,000 orders for their electric bike were a fluke – or to put it another way COMPLETE RUBBISH.

Tonight’s personal highlights/low points included:

* one candidate (Thomas Skinner) asking ‘how come these apples are white but in the supermarket they’re brown?’ (Particularly dumb because a) they weren’t and b) they aren’t).

Fun: The shopping challenge is usually one of The Apprentice¿s most entertaining and (in practical terms) illuminating episodes

Fun: The shopping challenge is usually one of The Apprentice’s most entertaining and (in practical terms) illuminating episodes

* one team thinking the ‘mortar board’ on the list was to do with builders not university students. (Even though the task was set in Oxford and Cambridge.)

* and the same team’s uncertainty about when the second World War was.

‘Oh that’s a good start!’ tutted Riyonn, about his colleagues’ shocking lack of education, gloriously ignoring the fact he didn’t have a clue either.

‘Was it 1945?’ wondered Lewis hopefully, before rather undermining this impressive knowledge by asking: ‘is that when it started or ended?’

Painfully bad: Tonight though, the candidates were so inept, irrational, and ignorant, it was almost as if last week¿s episode and Team Empower¿s £1,240,000 orders for their electric bike were a fluke

Painfully bad: Tonight though, the candidates were so inept, irrational, and ignorant, it was almost as if last week’s episode and Team Empower’s £1,240,000 orders for their electric bike were a fluke

Definitely one of them…

Pamela’s suggestion for working it out wasn’t exactly encouraging.

‘Just think of our parents… Were they alive?’ she mused. ‘Or our grandparents?’

‘Let’s move on to the next item,’ someone said, settling the matter brilliantly.

The two Project Managers meanwhile were not only hopeless (standard) but in a way that made you wonder if they’d watched The Apprentice before.

Jemelin’s comments in the boardroom certainly indicated she hadn’t seen this round.

‘This task was a very hard task!’ she complained – after she had lost it.

Awkward: One candidate (Thomas Skinner) asking ¿how come these apples are white but in the supermarket they¿re brown?¿ (Particularly dumb because a) they weren¿t and b) they aren¿t)

Awkward: One candidate (Thomas Skinner) asking ‘how come these apples are white but in the supermarket they’re brown?’ (Particularly dumb because a) they weren’t and b) they aren’t)

‘It’s not a very hard task!’ Lord Sugar spluttered, incredulously. ‘I’ve done this for 15 years!’

Not to be deterred by this minor detail, Jemelin protested: ‘we didn’t know what the items were!’

‘I know that! That’s the point!’ cried Sugar, not unreasonably.

Her rival captain, Marianne’s approach to the practicalities of the challenge also indicated she hadn’t done much research.

Astonished: ¿It¿s not a very hard task!¿ Lord Sugar spluttered, incredulously. ¿I¿ve done this for 15 years!¿

Astonished: ‘It’s not a very hard task!’ Lord Sugar spluttered, incredulously. ‘I’ve done this for 15 years!’

‘I envision this task as being about lateral thinking and that’s an area where I excel,’ she told her colleagues.

This was hard to argue with. Her belief that lateral thinking had anything to do with completing the list was in itself proof that Marianne was a master of it. (It was of course the exact opposite of lateral thinking).

She backed this up later by arguing that Lord Sugar’s requirement for ‘a book from the Alice In Wonderland collection’ with the specification ‘pre-second World War’ didn’t actually have to be that old, or even old at all.

After all a brand new edition cost them £4.99p not £200.

Another item was ‘a plate with 31 college crests.’

Confused: Marianne¿s approach to the practicalities of the challenge also indicated she hadn¿t done much research

Confused: Marianne’s approach to the practicalities of the challenge also indicated she hadn’t done much research

‘Is there anything wrong with just getting a regular plate and one college crest, then putting it on 31 times?’ she said, thinking (very) laterally.

‘That’s the name of the game when it comes to scavenger hunts – not doing the obvious. Not getting what it specifically says and finding a clever way of getting what you’re required to.’

This was all clearly nonsense. As Lottie Lion gently hinted it was not only better to get the things Lord Sugar required (thereby avoiding being fined) but actually easier – just buying the right plate for example.

The fact that Marianne still led Unison comfortably to victory said more about her opponents than her own team. (To be fair, Empower ticked off 8 of the 9 items – one more than Unison – and bought 5 of them for less).

Disaster: Her belief that lateral thinking had anything to do with completing the list was in itself proof that Marianne was a master of it. (It was of course the exact opposite of lateral thinking)

Disaster: Her belief that lateral thinking had anything to do with completing the list was in itself proof that Marianne was a master of it. (It was of course the exact opposite of lateral thinking) 

Pamela’s negotiation skills were particularly poor as we saw when she was rinsed by the woman she wanted to buy a mortar-board from.

‘I’m the only remaining party shop in Oxford so I happen to know that this hat you’re desperately after is the only one for miles and miles and miles…’

Needless to say Pamela ended up paying the asking price.

‘You had no strategy whatsoever!’ Lord Sugar raged at the Project Manager (Jemelin) and Team Empower generally (Pamela, Lewis, Dean, Carina, Riyonn, and Ryan-Mark).

To be honest he could have fired any of them.

‘Over the past five weeks Ryan-Mark hasn’t done very much,’ Claude Littner grumbled, ignoring last week’s winning logo and his idea ‘Team Fabulous.’

You're fired: Lord Sugar kept the dream of seeing Ryan-Mark and Lottie Lion working together alive, at the expense of Riyonn

You’re fired: Lord Sugar kept the dream of seeing Ryan-Mark and Lottie Lion working together alive, at the expense of Riyonn

Luckily (for us), Lord Sugar kept the dream of seeing Ryan-Mark and Lottie Lion working together alive, at the expense of Riyonn.

‘I have been a key member in every single team!’ he insisted to Lord Sugar, then doubling up by claiming: ‘I have done the most in every single team!’

Frankly this seemed doubtful, if not actually a blatant lie.

In any case, having lost five tasks out of five so far, it was hardly something for Riyonn to boast about.

In fact it only confirmed why he should be fired.

All over: Having lost five tasks out of five so far, Riyonn confirmed why he should be fired

All over: Having lost five tasks out of five so far, Riyonn confirmed why he should be fired

GOOD WEEK

Iasha

– avoided spoiling her record by being even quieter than usual

Lottie Lion

– will never be losing Team Leader if the others never let her be Project Manager

The woman from Oxford’s only party shop

– not to be messed with

BAD WEEK

Ryan-Mark

– ‘a weathercock’ Lord Sugar said (I think)

Jemelin

– ‘no leadership skills whatsoever’ did not bode well

Riyonn

– was practicing his bitchy boardroom criticisms of his team-mates throughout the task. In vain.

 

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