I’m 70 and have been single all my life. And before you feel sorry for me – please don’t. There is no doubt in my mind that the single life is my best life.
It is not just better than being with a bad romantic partner, it is better than any romantic partner, however wonderful that person might be.
And far from being a rarity, I believe there are many people like me. I call them ‘single at heart’. For these people, being single is our most joyful, authentic, meaningful, and fulfilling life.
We are not single because we are running away from something or because we have ‘issues’. We are single because we love what single life offers.
Growing up, I never knew there was such a thing as choosing to stay happily single. I was surrounded by the relentlessly touted and celebrated cultural script that insists that what humans want more than anything else, is a committed romantic relationship.
People who chose to be single are not sad and lonely – in fact, studies have shown that single people are on average more connected to more people (stock image)
In that script, no one really wants to be single, or least not for long. If they think they do, they are just fooling themselves. And if they really do stay single, they are going to grow increasingly sad and lonely as they age.
Now I know better. As a social psychologist who has studied singleness and single people since 1992, I can tell you the myths about singletons are all wrong.
People who chose to be single are not sad and lonely – in fact, studies have shown that single people are on average more connected to more people.
Compared with married people we socialise with friends and neighbours more often and stay in touch with our parents on a more regular basis. While couples may have The One, we have The Ones.
And as for regretting being single as we get older – again, not true. Research shows that single people get happier and happier with their single lives as they approach middle age and head on to old age. Indeed, as I grow older my single life just keeps getting better and better.
And I’m not unique.
Around the world, the number of people just like me is growing and has been for decades.
Two Pew Research Centre (a US ‘fact’ tank) surveys show that of all the single people polled who did not have a romantic partner, at least half had no interest in a romantic relationship or even going on a date.
More than 70 per cent said that the reason they were not interested in un-singling themselves was that they liked being single.
I have interviewed dozens of singletons and conducted a survey of 20,000 people for my book, Single At Heart: The Power, Freedom And Joy Of Single Life.
The people I spoke to described a life full of love – a love that encompasses far more than just romantic love.
They described freedom, rewarding careers and travel, joyfully detailing the liberation that comes from refusing to live someone else’s version of a good life, and finding their own happy ever after.
My message for anyone attracted to the single life but unsettled by the expectations and pressures of society, family and mass media: don’t un-single yourself! The risk you face is not in what you will miss if you don’t find a romantic partner, but what you will miss if you do.
So, are you single at heart? Whatever your relationship status, here are five of the telltale signs that you could be…
1. You are happier when you are single
Single life is your happy place. That doesn’t mean you are happy all the time; no one is. But it does mean that if you’ve tried being in a couple, it didn’t feel quite right.
People who are not looking for a romantic partner are especially happy
Many who are single at heart have told me that they had previously found The One – someone they loved and who loved them, but that life, organised around a partner, just did not compare to the joy and the deep contentment they experience when they are solo.
People who are not looking for a romantic partner are especially happy. The more they invest in their lives, the happier they become.
2. You cherish your freedom
When I asked the single at heart what they liked about being solo, everyone mentioned freedom. They described the deliciousness of organising their daily routines just the way they want, from what they eat to when they sleep.
Within the limits of their resources and opportunities, they can live where they want and do the work they want.
They can spend time with as many different people as they desire. They have financial freedom; regardless of whether they have a lot of money or very little, they decide what to do with it.
They use their freedom to be there for the people who need them and for their communities. All of them get to chart their own life course, and this is something they treasure.
3. You feel more sexually satisfied
At the heart of the single at heart life is authenticity. You get to be who you really are, sexually and in every other way, too.
I’ve found that people who are not looking for a partner are even more sexually satisfied than those who are.
They have their sexual freedom. They can experiment with different kinds of sex and different kinds of people, as often as they want and whenever they want. Sexual freedom is also the freedom not to be bothered with sex, if it just doesn’t interest you.
4. You savour your solitude
Savouring solitude is your secret superpower. Being unafraid of being alone actually protects you from feeling lonely
You cherish the time you have to yourself. Solitude, to you, is often a time to relax, reflect, recharge, or be creative or spiritual. Alone, you are attuned to who you really are. You can do whatever you want, including nothing at all, without enduring the judgment of others.
Savouring solitude is your secret superpower. Being unafraid of being alone actually protects you from feeling lonely.
In later life, you are not going to become the caricature of the sad and lonely old person. You are going to be thriving.
Plus, you can love solitude and also love socialising. In fact, for many who are single at heart, getting their full measure of solitude makes them a better friend and companion to their friends and family.
5. You felt relieved when a romance ended
People who are single at heart, like anyone else, may feel pain when a romance ends. But you often feel something else too – relief. Even if the relationship was delightful, even if you loved your partner and your partner loved you, a part of you felt happy that it was over.
I’ve heard these stories over and over during my many decades of research. A gay man told me that when he was in a relationship, he daydreamed every day about being single again. A heterosexual woman confessed that during her marriage, she often fantasised about being single and free.
Don’t let the pressure to live someone else’s version of the good life prevent your happy ever after. If you think you might be single at heart, own it!
- Single At Heart: The Power, Freedom And Joy Of Single Life by Dr Bella DePaulo (Souvenir Press, £14.99)
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