We have all been sold a lie about sex. And despite the fact that science has made surprising discoveries in the past few decades, this new knowledge has not yet trickled down to us from academia.
Why? Sadly, ‘real’ facts about sex and sexuality struggle to cut through the thick fog of moral, social and cultural opinion.
One persistent belief is that men and women are polar opposites when it comes to sex. Many of us still believe men have higher libidos and are built to enjoy sex more than women — but this is not necessarily so.
My new book was born of a desire to help women, in particular, become better informed. The title, Mind The Gap, refers to the differences between how we think our sex lives should be and how they really are, and what we need to know about sex and desire and what most of us actually know.
Dr Karen Gurney reveals the truth about common gender myths as she explores sex and desire in her new book, Mind The Gap (file image)
There is also the gender divide. You may have heard of the orgasm gap (where women have less pleasure than men during sexual encounters with them), but that doesn’t mean women find it harder to climax than men — only that the type of sex they choose to have doesn’t always suit their anatomy. Here, we bust some of the most common gender lies…
LIE: Men have higher libidos than women
We have long believed that men want more sex than women. But this is not backed up by all research, as it depends on how desire is measured. In fact, we are starting to see more similarities than differences.
Studies have found that, asked about how often they experience sexual desire ‘out of the blue’, a large proportion of women in long-term relationships say something between ‘never’ and ‘once or twice a month’.
We have an idea (also backed up by research) that men experience sexual desire out of the blue more often.
But there are problems with how we measure desire that make it difficult for us to know for sure what is ‘normal’ and if the gender divide is significant.
The first is that we have moved away from understanding sex as a ‘drive’ — something we all have within us that is a fixed part of who we are. Now we understand that libido is constantly changing, and that we can only talk about how we feel at the very moment we are being asked.
Second, desire depends on the environment we are in. So you may not feel desire right here, right now — but with a different person, in a different place, you might. Or with the same person, in the same place, next week, you might.
The last problem is that women’s desire in long-term relationships is now known to work best when triggered, rather than just occurring out of the blue, so the old question ‘how often do you think about/feel like/initiate sex?’ was measuring the ‘wrong type’ of desire for women.
Research suggests both men and women see a change in spontaneous desire after being with the same partner for some time (file image)
If you transported these women to a remote paradise, removed their daily stress and orchestrated a flirtatious week with a very touchy-feely Idris Elba, they might start reporting that they desired sex several times a day.
Meanwhile, plenty of men worry that they don’t feel like sex enough — 15 per cent, according to the latest Natsal (National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles) data.
The truth is, we are not as different as we have been led to believe.
Yes, male sex hormones such as testosterone play an important role in sexual desire. And yes, men generally have higher levels than women (though the difference is not as big as you might think, and men and women show considerable overlap).
But there is no clear difference in testosterone levels in women with high and low desire, so we can’t just look to hormones as the reason. Although desire partly depends on biological processes, it is largely a psychological event underpinned by physical factors, not the other way around.
LIE: Women find being faithful easier than men
Both men and women see a change in spontaneous desire after some time together.
Research suggests that women’s desire for the same partner is more likely to decline over time, whereas men are more likely to maintain a sense of desire for the same partner. Assumptions that monogamy is ‘easy’ can speed this process further, as in the case of Jess and Tom.
Before meeting her current partner, Jess, 35, enjoyed being both dominant and submissive in her sex life. Initially she had loved that Tom, 39, was into slower, more intimate, sensual sex, but a year into their relationship she was starting to feel stifled.
Dr Karen Gurney said women are often concerned about not being able to have orgasms, however their capacity for pleasure is roughly the same as men (file image)
She felt self-conscious about acting outside their normal roles and, until we worked together, had found it hard to articulate that she wanted Tom to be more assertive.
This placed them at risk of sexual boredom — and of Jess feeling motivated to seek satisfaction elsewhere.
I often feel that our acceptance of monogamy as inevitable and lifelong can damage our sex lives, as it removes our sense of freedom to leave, and can lead us to take a partner’s long-term sexual interest and enthusiasm for granted, rather than as something to nourish.
I’m certainly not anti-monogamy but it’s useful to reflect on how we made the choice to be monogamous (did we, or are we just doing what is expected?).
I am also interested in how the social construct of monogamy being ‘normal’, or even ‘easy if you love each other’, helps or hinders our sex lives.
LIE: Men enjoy sex more than women
We believe women’s capacity for sexual pleasure is less than men’s. But it isn’t — any statistics that appear to back this up relate more to how sex happens and whose pleasure is prioritised.
Neither are women’s bodies ‘trickier’ than men’s. Women and men can orgasm at roughly the same rate from masturbation (over 95 per cent of both sexes can reliably orgasm quickly in this way).
When women and men have sex with each other, the rate of men usually or always climaxing stays at 95 per cent, while for women it falls to 65 per cent, with much lower rates reported by women for casual sex (only 18 per cent).
British psychologist said expecting a woman to climax without clitoral stimulation is like expecting a man to orgasm without touching his penis (file image)
For women, the number one sexual activity for reaching orgasm is masturbation. In second place is a partner using their hands to stimulate the clitoris, then receiving oral sex — and lastly, penetrative vaginal sex.
Despite this, the last of these features more in our sex lives than anything else — hence the beliefs that women’s orgasms are elusive.
It doesn’t help that the clitoris is not prioritised in sex education or talk of women’s anatomy.
It may come as a surprise to hear that its tip is only a small part of its structure. In fact, the clitoris extends about 9cm in length and 6cm in width underneath the skin.
For pleasure, it is the equivalent in structure and function of the penis, in that it fills with blood on arousal and is a key source of sexual pleasure when stimulated. Its sole job is to give pleasure.
Amazingly, the full structure of the clitoris was only properly discovered and publicised in 2005.
Women often book in to see me because they are concerned about not being able to have orgasms. Once we get talking, it’s not unusual to find out that they do, in fact, have orgasms, just not from penetrative vaginal sex.
Women often accept that most women can’t climax without clitoral stimulation — then ask me how I can help them to start having orgasms from vaginal sex.
When I explain that’s like expecting a man to orgasm without touching his penis, they laugh.
Research shows women in relationships with men are initiating sex about as often, as they’ve heard it said ‘men are always up for sex’ (file image)
Underlying this is the fact that we still don’t value women’s sexual pleasure as much as men’s.
Cara, a twentysomething heterosexual, told me she grew up in a family where sex was not talked about and the clitoris was not named. She had a negative view of masturbation and went into her first sexual experience, aged 20, with little knowledge of her own anatomy and sexual needs, and a sense of ‘giving away’ her virginity.
To date, Cara had found sex unarousing and uncomfortable. On occasion, she had wanted her partners to stop but decided ‘we’ve started so I’ll let them finish’.
But if I had asked Cara why she opted to persist with penetrative sex, she would’ve looked at me as if I’d just arrived from Mars.
I don’t suggest we should abandon this type of sex altogether. I am merely demonstrating how pervasive some sexual scripts are about how sex ‘should’ look.
LIE: Men initiate sex more than women
Historically, we had an idea that men should be the initiators of sex, women the gatekeepers. Also not true.
Sex research has seen a changing trend here, with women in relationships with men initiating sex about as often.
And research tells us they tend to initiate sex more directly — saying: ‘I’m feeling horny, let’s have sex,’ rather than starting to kiss a partner in the hope they take the hint.
Sex researchers suggest that the script that ‘men are always up for sex’ (also not true) is what makes women more willing to take a risk with direct communication.
Dr Karen Gurney warns faking orgasms affirms the false belief that most women can orgasm from penetrative sex (file image)
LIE: Men feel more pressure to perform
Our history of seeing men as the ‘performers’ of sex creates pressure that is unhelpful for men.
But women want to look like a ‘good sexual partner’ too — to the extent that they will fake orgasm. More than half of women report having done so, for reasons that include wanting to protect a partner’s feelings, avoiding conflict and wanting sex to end.
The trouble is, faking orgasms creates the illusion that women are as satisfied by the way sex is happening as men are. It also affirms the false belief that most women can orgasm from penetrative sex.
Truth about how often the neighbours are at it
One of my favourite myths about sex and desire is that we should be having sex three times a week.
I love this one because a) it’s so pervasive (it’s what couples usually tell me they want their sex life to be); b) it’s far from how often we know couples actually have sex; and c) it bears no relation to sexual satisfaction, desire or pleasure (frequency tells us nothing about any of these). Nevertheless, it persists — and, sadly, causes an enormous amount of stress for a lot of people, who feel their neighbours are beating them at meeting this magical number.
Dr Karen Gurney said don’t panic if you’re having sex less frequently than twice or three times a month, research shows the frequency we have sex in the UK has fallen (file image)
Over the past few decades, official data tells us, the frequency with which we have sex has fallen in the UK. The average person has sex a little less often than once a week, or about three times a month (though it’s more like twice a month for women aged 35–44).
Analysing recent data also shows us that a higher proportion of adults under 44 are reporting having had no sex at all in the past month, which is more than in previous surveys (29 per cent of women reported this in a survey in 2010-2012, compared with 23 per cent in 1999-2000). So the first thing to say is, don’t panic if you are having sex a lot less frequently than twice or three times a month. Frequency is almost meaningless.
Do be reassured by these numbers, though, if you (or your partner) have been feeling abnormal because you wrongly assumed, up until now, that you should be having sex much more often.
Adapted by Felicia Bromfield from Mind The Gap: The Truth About Desire And How To Future-proof Your Sex Life, by Dr Karen Gurney (£14.99, Headline Home), out on March 5. © Dr Karen Gurney 2020. To order a copy for £12 (offer valid until February 27; P&P free), visit mailshop.co.uk or call 01603 648155.