Time might have moved on but generations of men remain stuck on the same questions their fathers – and their fathers’ fathers – had about sex.
In the 30 years I’ve been researching sex, these remain the most asked questions by men.
Here are some straight up, no-holds-barred answers…
Relationship expert Tracey Cox gives her no nonsense answers to the ten questions men ask most about sex
How do I make my penis bigger?
Men are more obsessed with penis size than women are – by a long shot.
This is despite the fact that the majority of men nearly always measure within a small margin of what’s average (5.2 inches long when erect, with a 4.6 inch circumference).
In his mind, that half a centimetre under means he’s woefully inadequate: for women it’s not even noticeable.
This is because most of the nerve endings are in the first inch or so of the vagina and it ‘tents’ when we’re aroused (balloons at the end).
Research suggests girth is far more important than length and while women pretend to envy other women when they casually drop into the conversation that their bloke’s got a big one, really big penises are more likely scare us than send us into a frothy, lusty mess.
But even though it’s not necessary, is there a way to make penises bigger?
Penis enlargement surgery is still a long way from perfect – which is why it’s still quite uncommon.
There’s some evidence that penis pumps to help build healthier, stronger, fuller erections, based on the ‘use it or lose it’ principle.
By pumping blood into the chambers of the penis, you’re keeping it oxygenated and in good working order.
Other than pumps, though, he’s essentially stuck with what he’s got!
Why won’t she swallow during oral sex?
Men complain about this all the time – but it’s not so much the swallowing, but what women do if they’re not going to.
If you stop the second you feel him about to orgasm and leave him (literally) dangling, of course he’s going to feel robbed of the best moment.
Keep stimulating and most men are quite happy for you not to swallow.
It’s much more about the psychological kick (you worshipping the part he worships) than him actually feeling you doing it.
How can I last longer in bed?
No ‘official’ time period will define him categorically as suffering from PE (premature ejaculation).
Tracey says that if you are struggling to get an erection try cutting back on alcohol
The most-cited definition is if you orgasm too fast for you or your partner’s satisfaction.
Most men have no idea that lots of men ejaculate within two minutes of penetration and plenty more only last four minutes.
There are ways to make him last longer but their effectiveness depends on what’s causing the PE (there are a number of factors).
This is why it’s worth giving all the treatments a go to see what works for him individually.
Delays sprays are now quite effective (though can end up numbing you as well, which isn’t ideal!), wearing a condom helps, so does him having more than one orgasm per session.
Masturbation can be the friend or enemy of PE.
Do it just before a sex session and you’ll last longer second time around. Focus too much on the most sensitive area (the head) during masturbation and you’ll orgasm in record time, training him to rapid ejaculate.
It is possible to retrain the penis using a technique called ‘peaking’: learning to control arousal by pinpointing his personal point of no return and learning how to stay below that.
It’s a new improved version of the old ‘stop-start’ technique that simply taught him to stop all stimulation the minute he felt himself get out of control.
An oldie but still a goodie is the squeeze technique (which he can use in place of or along with peaking).
Him (or you) place a thumb on the frenulum and wrap two or three fingers tightly around the head of the penis. Then you or they squeeze tightly and hold for a few seconds or until the urge to orgasm subsides.
It can also work if you squeeze the base firmly.
Tugging testicles downward can also delay ejaculation, as can pressing three fingers firmly into the centre of the perineum.
I can’t get an erection. What do I do?
Nothing but nothing makes men panic more than not being able to get an erection on demand.
How you both react to this happening is what predicts whether it recurs.
Panic and you’ll both be super-nervous next time around, which results in performance anxiety.
Penises don’t like nervy owners – they like stress-free happy ones.
So if he’s anxious and paranoid about not performing, it’s not coming out to play.
Relaxing and taking the focus off is a good start to help any erection problems.
So is cutting back on alcohol, recreational drugs, eating healthily, exercising and checking out side effects of any medication.
Men are keen to know how to get their partners to have more sex with them, and Tracey points out that the more housework a man does the more sex he has
Find out if the problem is psychological or physiological by checking to see if he still has a spontaneous erection when he wakes up: if he does, chances are it’s performance anxiety rather than blood flow problems.
If he’s over 40, it could mean his penis is ageing along with the rest of him, and he requires hands on, intense stimulation to get an erection (rather than just seeing you naked) or perhaps a visit to his GP to see if he could benefit from Viagra or another Sildenafil.
How do I get my partner to have more sex with me?
This used to be a question almost always asked by men about women, but low desire isn’t just a female issue anymore.
Stress, medication, too much alcohol, menopause, an unhealthy lifestyle, being with the same partner for a long period of time – all contribute to wanting sex less often.
A very female factor for low desire though, is that when lots of women do have sex, they don’t enjoy it.
Technique appears to be far more important to women than men – probably because most men have their orgasms during intercourse and basic, simply thrusting is highly effective at making men climax.
Not so for women: clitorises respond better to vibrators and expertly executed foreplay techniques.
Vibrators require zero skill (the reason why so many women own one) but hand and tongue stimulation does.
The better he is at foreplay, the more likely it is you’ll want to sleep with him.
Factors outside your sex life are also strong influencers on how much women want sex. The more housework a man does, the more sex the couple have.
The more connected you are, the more affection you get out of bed, whether you feel respected or not – all of these factors increase female desire.
How do I talk her into having a threesome?
‘Be careful what you wish for’ springs to mind when answering this question.
The idea of a threesome is highly appealing to men but the reality is often stressful and ego-destroying.
Why?
Because a lot of men get performance anxiety when faced with something they’ve longed for and women often enjoy female-on-female sex a lot more than he expects, leading to jealousy problems and feelings of inadequacy.
Most women have grown up with every boyfriend they’ve had requesting a threesome – which is mighty boring and quells any mild bi-curiosity that might naturally occur.
Best for him to accept he won’t ‘talk us into it’ and simply make it clear that if we did happen to fancy a bit of same-sex rumpy pumpy, he’d love to watch and/or participate.
How do I get her to be more adventurous?
There are two reasons why this question makes it into the top 10.
First, because body image anxieties and fear of looking foolish make some women reluctant to push out of their comfort zones.
The second is that the types of things men suggest, don’t do it for lots of women and they’re nervous about suggesting other (possibly more ‘out there’) things for fear of being judged.
Fact is women like ‘filthy’, lusty sex as much as men do but worry he’ll think a. we’ve already done it with someone else and will ask who or b. secretly think we’re ‘slutty’ or ‘weird’ for enjoying anything slightly unusual.
Put us with a man we know won’t judge us and makes us feel comfortable in bed and most women are naturally adventurous.
As for the things he suggests: if tight, unflattering lingerie is on the cards and you’re not body confident, is it any wonder we say no?
Other suggestions might be vetoed because we’re worried we’ll look foolish.
The best way to make a woman adventurous is for him to suggest something he fancies but make it clear that it’s variety he’s after (which it generally is), so up for other ideas that appeal to her.
Why doesn’t she orgasm with me?
Most women can orgasm using a vibrator within three minutes yet two out of three women fail to orgasm during sex with their partner (Durex 2017 world-wide study).
The reason for the massive divide is biology and beliefs.
Lots of men and women think of ‘sex’ as ‘intercourse’: it’s seen as the ‘main event’.
Most women enjoy intercourse but only 25 per cent are able to orgasm from it because the clitoris, where orgasms originate, is (rather unhelpfully) outside the vagina.
Thrusting does little to make us orgasm: women need direct clitoral stimulation and that usually comes in the form of vibration, skilled fingers and/or a tongue.
When men ask ‘Why doesn’t she orgasm with me?” they nearly always mean ‘through intercourse’.
If men want to increase the amount of orgasms women have with him, up the foreplay.
How can I tell if she’s faking it?
Women fake orgasm so often, most men wouldn’t have a clue what’s real and what’s not.
Sorry to be blunt but it really is the case.
Women don’t have real orgasms as often as he’d like because of all the reasons I’ve just talked about (in the question ‘Why doesn’t she orgasm with me?’).
Women fake it because they don’t want to hurt their partner, worry he’ll think they’re not ‘sexy’ if they can’t orgasm through penetration – and because they’ve faked it for years and have no idea how to confess and explain how he can give her a real orgasm.
It’s near on impossible to tell for sure if a woman has had an orgasm but a red flush on her chest and clitoral sensitivity immediately after orgasm are good indicators.
If she has strong pelvic floor muscles, men might be able to feel the orgasmic internal contractions but not being able to feel them is no evidence that she hasn’t climaxed.
Do women really ejaculate?
If the women in porn are anything to go by, it happens all the time: in reality, female ejaculation is a lot less common – and controversial.
There’s little research into the subject but we do know women describe a range of ‘wetness’ during sex – ranging from mild (most common) to larger amounts of fluid emitted from the urethra or vagina, either gradually or all at once (less common).
For women who do ejaculate a lot of fluid, it mostly happens at the point of orgasm – and particularly orgasms achieved through front wall (G-spot) stimulation.
The jury’s out on what the fluid is: some studies showed definitively that it differs from urine; others suggested it was urine and that some women may leak urine during sex if particularly aroused.
For more of Tracey’s advice on sex and relationships, visit traceycox.com. For her product range visit lovehoney.co.uk.