Can you imagine sleeping with someone you’ve just met and them hitting you across the face during sex?
Or slapping your bottom so hard, you actually can’t sit down the following day?
How about being ‘choked’ during sex? Not your idea of a good time?
It’s not mine either – but this is what’s happening to young women in bedrooms across Britain and the rest of the Western world.
Young men are watching porn and assuming the sexual acts performed on it are what women enjoy in real life.
Well, guess what? We don’t.
Porn isn’t real life and it isn’t sex education, either. Or a place to learn some great new sex moves.
Porn stars actors and actresses getting paid to pretend to be having a great time.
Just as male porn actors are hired for having certain attributes – big penises and an ability to become erect and climax on cue – female porn stars are chosen because they’re able to cope with sexual acts that would send the average women through the roof with pain not pleasure.
Porn is not an instructional guide: it’s there for entertainment, not to inform.
Sex and relationship expert Tracey Cox has revealed how rough sex is becoming more commonplace in the bedroom, as impressionable men force women to try new moves (stock image)
Pain is not everyone’s idea of pleasure
The intense BDSM scenes in Fifty Shades of Grey added fuel to the perception that every woman wants a ‘bit of rough’ and PornHub data confirms that some of the fastest growing search terms in the last four years are ‘rough sex’, ‘hardcore’ and ‘bondage’.
If you’re both into niche sexual practises like choking and hitting and want to include controlled violence in your sex life, go right ahead.
True BDSM devotees talk through everything first, set rules, have safe words and take the whole consent thing very seriously.
Sex expert Tracey Cox (pictured) shares her advice for a successful love life
But the average woman does NOT want to be hit or hurt during sex. Behaviour like this is not the norm.
Here’s eight common porn activities that some men think the average women enjoys in real life.
Be warned: doing these without our full consent will more likely result in an assault charge than an orgasm.
Hard, painful spanking
BDSM vaulted the fence from niche to mainstream when Fifty Shades of Grey became popular.
The sale of insertable balls, whips and bondage gear soared – and have remained sky high.
A light slap on the bottom can be arousing.
Being smacked – hard – without consent, to the point where you’re so bruised afterwards you can’t sit down – is something very different.
Choking
My 18-year-old stepdaughter, alarmingly, said ‘Oh yes, that’s now a thing’, when I told her what the topic of this week’s column was.
Forced neck holding – putting one or both hands around a women’s throat during sex – is something more than a few of her friends have experienced during casual sex or sex with a boyfriend.
It was not wanted or enjoyed.
‘They think it’s OK because that’s what they see in porn,’ she says.
Actual choking is less common but still happening far too often to women who have not asked for it.
Most of the young men my stepdaughter knows use porn as sex education.
‘They think that’s how they learn about sex. One guy said to me, ‘Where else am I supposed to find out what to do?’. It wouldn’t occur to them to look on a reputable sex education site for tips.’
Tracey She has revealed the top sex moves most women don’t want to be faced with, unless they have given prior consent (stock image)
No foreplay
In porn, the woman is ready, willing and gagging to go just by looking at a man’s penis.
In reality, women need time to become aroused, to allow the vagina to ‘tent’ to make penetration both possible and comfortable.
Skipping the ‘warm up’ and going straight into penetration – either with fingers or a penis and done forcefully – moves sex from pleasurable to painful.
Foreplay is not a luxury. It’s rare for a woman to start sex ‘warm’ and one, short tongue kiss does not make a woman ready for sex.
Slapping the clitoris
Another porn favourite: smacking or slapping the clitoris with a hand, a penis, fingers or an object.
The clitoris is packed with nerve endings and is extremely sensitive. Given lots of women find direct, gentle clitoral stimulation too intense, imagine how a whack would feel.
‘Soft, wet, slow and repetitive’ is the mantra for men wanting to effectively stimulate the clitoris.
‘Slap’ or ‘smack’ doesn’t feature.
On the subject of slapping…
She warns impressionable young men to stop using bondage inspired moves they have seen online on their partners
Face slapping
Being smacked across the face is another ‘thing’ than men believe turns women on.
Check out popular Reddit threads on the subject and you’ll find men saying women like ‘the shock of it’ and will climax if you do it ‘just at the right moment’.
Each to their own kink but, I assure you, the average woman will NOT judge a slap across the face – either in bed or out of it – as welcome or sexually enticing.
Ditto vigorously shoving fingers into someone’s mouth.
It feels like an assault, not foreplay.
Deep-throating
Deep-throating – taking the whole length of a man’s penis deeply into your throat – is commonplace in porn.
In reality, most women focus on the head of the penis, which is where most of the nerve endings are. They also like to be the ones in control of the depth of penetration.
Deep-throating is a learned skill.
Do it to someone who isn’t skilled and you will trigger the gag reflex – turning a sensual act into a deeply unpleasant one.
Having anal sex without preparing for it
The anus is designed for things come out of it, not for things to be put into it.
While lots of couple enjoy anal sex or anal play, you need to train the rectum in order for penetration to be comfortable.
Even then, most couples don’t practise the deep, hard thrusting you see in porn.
Another highly dangerous porn trick: moving straight from anal penetration to vaginal penetration.
Tracey’s advice is: ‘If you’re a man who’s desperate to know what women want in bed, ask one in real life’
The bacteria from the anus does not belong in the vagina and can cause all sorts of harmful health problems.
Putting a penis straight from an anus into a mouth is even more high-risk.
All are commonplace in porn.
Ejaculating externally
In porn it’s called ‘The Money Shot’: when a man ejaculates over their partner’s face.
Porn stars (pretend to) love it. Do it to someone who hasn’t agreed to it and it’s intolerable and disrespectful.
Who the hell wants semen squirted into their eyes or into their hair?
Any sexual act that strays even mildly from the norm needs to be talked about and checked with a partner before proceeding.
If you’re a man who’s desperate to know what women want in bed, ask one in real life.
Listen to The Tracey Cox Show on Jack Radio, Wednesday’s live from 12-1pm. Repeats Friday’s 9-10pm and Monday’s 10-11pm. Listen at jackradio.com