TRACEY COX reveals the REAL reasons why women cheat – including being bored and feeling neglected

Infidelity is often seen through an overly simplistic lens: men cheat for sex and women cheat for emotional fulfilment.

While it’s true that men are the most opportunistic sex – put them in a situation where they think they’ll get away with cheating and they often do – women aren’t immune to some hot sex and attention either.

Recent research set out to test the many debated hypotheses about why women cheat and came up with six main motivators.

Some might just surprise you.

EMOTIONAL NEGLECT

‘I’m not seen or heard. I’m part of the furniture: something that he assumes will always be there. I think he loves me but it’s an unsatisfying kind of love. I don’t just want to feel loved, I want to be desired and cherished. I was ripe for an affair and I feel no guilt for enjoying it.’

The most frequently given reason for infidelity by women is feeling unhappy in the relationship: almost 65 per cent of women in the study (conducted in the UK and Australia) cited this as their reason for straying. Only 31 per cent of men listed dissatisfaction as their primary motivation to seek sex outside the relationship.

The second most common motivation for women to cheat is feeling emotionally abandoned. Women are four times more likely to cheat for this reason: only five per cent of men cheat if they don’t think their partner is ‘into them’.

This much is true: men cheat most often when their physical needs aren’t met, women cheat most often when their emotional needs aren’t met. Emotional connection is crucial for us. Robbed of it, we look for validation and affection elsewhere.

REVENGE AND RETALIATION

‘I found a series of text messages that felt like death by a thousand cuts. I don’t want a divorce because I love my husband and kids. I didn’t confront him for that reason. Instead, I took great delight in sleeping with a man from work. Only I know my secret, but it helps me live with his betrayal.’

I know more than a few women who tick this box. A surprising number of women cheat purely as an act of retaliation: they did it because their partner did it to them.

It’s not just about evening the score: it’s about reclaiming a sense of agency and dignity in a relationship where we feel wronged. It might not be the most sensible course of action but the urge to hurt our partner the same way we’ve been hurt, is hard to resist.

Again, this isn’t a common motivator for men. Only three per cent said they cheated because their partner had.

TO REGAIN POWER IN THE RELATIONSHIP

‘He makes most of the money and decides what we spend it on. Nearly all the big decisions are made by him: I often feel like I have no rights at all. A little bit of secret spending and sex with an ex of mine reminds me that he can’t control everything about me.’

Feeling powerless or marginalised is not a nice feeling and cheating can be a way of regaining control.

In relationships marked by emotional or psychological imbalances, having an affair is a way of reclaiming a sense of control. It’s particularly common when a partner is overly dominant or controlling. If you’re too scared to confront directly, doing something sneaky behind their back to make yourself feel better is the next best thing.

NOT FEELING SEXUALLY SATISFIED

‘I’ve given up on trying to teach my partner how to give me an orgasm. He’s so sensitive and overly anxious about any sort of criticism, I don’t have the heart to tell him just how far off the mark he is. My affair is purely sexual. I have no trouble separating love and sex and never have.’

This is the only area where both genders agree: if you’re not getting good and regular sex at home, you’re more likely to get it elsewhere.

Almost nine per cent of women said this was the reason they strayed, with 10 per cent of men agreeing.

Sex might be fourth on the list of motivators for women in the study but we’re still susceptible to being seduced if sex with our partner is boring and dull.

Tracey (pictured) says women aren’t immune to some hot sex and attention either 

WANTING SOMETHING ‘THAT’S JUST FOR ME’

‘Is it tattooed somewhere on them at birth that men get to sit back and watch women do all the housework? That we are the ones who remember to send birthday cards, check on elderly parents, keep up with friends? My affair is the only thing in my life that is purely for my pleasure, and I don’t have to be a wife, mother, daughter or sister.’

Most women these days work. Most women these days still do most of the housework and couple jobs that keep a household running.

The constant stress of juggling career, motherhood, work and other responsibilities leave many women feeling unappreciated and overwhelmed. Some head to the spa for some ‘me time’, others head out to meet a lover to escape from the pressure.

‘It’s something that’s just for me,’ is a statement therapists hear a lot from women forced to justify why they stepped outside their marriage.

BORED AND CRAVING EXCITEMENT

‘There’s nothing wrong with my relationship but I’ve been with the same person for 24 years. We both know everything there is to know about each other. I’m not stupid. I know that’s the nature of a long-term relationship and starting anew won’t solve anything because I’ll still end up in this place. Having a little fling on the side now and then keeps things lively and makes life more interesting.’

It’s the reason least likely to win any type of sympathy but also the one that most of us will relate to.

Monogamy might offer security and companionship but humans desensitise rapidly and even in good relationships there are periods where life seems, well, monotonous.

Nearly eight per cent of women said they’d cheated simply because they were bored; another five per cent said they did it because they wanted novelty.

Men also cheat when they’re bored (almost six per cent) but are twice as likely to cheat for novelty (nearly 11 per cent).

• Visit traceycox.com for Tracey’s blog, product ranges, podcast details and books.