This isn’t the first time I’ve asked people to tell me what they’d REALLY like to say to their partner about sex, if they weren’t worried about hurting their feelings.
The request usually yields practical answers: ‘Be gentler/firmer’, ‘Give me more foreplay’, ‘Have sex more often’.
Not this time.
I was surprised at how deeply emotionally the answers were – from all genders.
It makes for fascinating reading – and lots to learn for all of us.
WHAT WOMEN WISH MEN KNEW
Women are terrific at confessing all when it comes to sex – and you didn’t disappoint. Young women, older women, gay women, straights, partnered or not – no-one minced words.
‘Listen when I tell you what I like and don’t like. I hate my breasts being fondled – they are really affected by the time of the month and get sore. I’ve told him, ‘Ask first’, but still, every single time, his hands head for them and he squeezes hard. I say ‘Owww!’ and he looks astonished. What the hell!’
Tracey Cox spoke to people around the UK about the things they would change about their partner’s performance in the bedroom (file image)
Don’t be so serious about sex
I like trying new things and sometimes they don’t work out. It’s funny when things don’t go to plan and he needs to be able to see the funny side of it.’
I wish sex is as important to you as it is to me
People assume sex is easier when it’s two women having it and it is most of the time. I used to be straight, and it frustrated me how little men knew about the female body. It was bliss when I started sleeping with women – no more explaining about the clitoris! Sod’s law is that the women I have fallen for, isn’t very good at sex. I have tried to teach her what I like but she doesn’t seem interested. Her technique hasn’t altered at all, despite all the feedback, and we’ve been together 18 months.’
Stop being so rough
Every article I’ve ever read about sex says that men being too rough with their fingers is women’s pet hate. Don’t they write about that in articles about sex for men? Why are we still talking about this?’
Making a woman orgasm is not that hard!
‘You’re kidding yourself, is what I’d like to say to the guy I just broke up with. He kept telling me that he understands how women are complicated and it’s difficult for us to orgasm. Really? How come I can orgasm in under five minutes given the right technique, lover, or vibrator. With skill, sensitivity and practise, female orgasm is easy to achieve. The reason why men think it isn’t is because the right technique isn’t thrusting your penis in and out of my vagina.
Stop giving me a hard time about using lube
I add some before we have sex because you always rush me to intercourse. If you don’t like me using it, learn how to turn me on properly before shoving it in there.’
Just unroll the condom and get on with it
I had this guy who insisted I put the condom on. Why? Put it on yourself. They’re never going to be sexy, so stop trying to make it sexy. They are a necessity though.
Tracey Cox (pictured) said everyone complains about having a partner that refuses to try anything new
Read the situation and ask if I need something
It’s taken me 48 years to learn all I know about sex and it’s only in the last couple of years that I am having the right kind of sex. As a disabled woman, I am aware that at some point in the future I’m going to lose my mobility. In every way possible, I am living for now – and making sure I have the best sex is part of that. Great sex is about connection. If I can’t move my arm or leg, please move it for me as I love changing positions but need help.
Stop saying stupid things
My partner says, ‘Do you like that?’ at least four times per session. It’s not like we’ve just got together: we’re married and have two kids! Why the incessant asking for reassurance? It’s not like he’s doing anything new. It’s the same thing he’s been doing the whole time we’ve been together.
Stop obsessing about the size of your penis
I’m sick and tired of reassuring him about the size of his penis. I wouldn’t be with him if I didn’t enjoy the sex and intimacy. If he watched less porn, maybe he wouldn’t be so hung up on size, given the freaks that are on there.
Forget porn!
That doesn’t tell you what women want and like. Ask ME what I like and what feels safe and erotic. Every woman is different.’
Have a bloody shower before sex!
It doesn’t bother him – he’ll go down on me first thing in the morning, before I’ve washed. But it does bother me. Stuff gets underneath the foreskin – it’s disgusting. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up.
WHAT MEN WISH WOMEN KNEW
As with the women, I got responses from a varied cross-section of men. Young and single, married for years, a swinger, a crossdresser and every age, stage and situation in between (well, nearly). They’re as searingly honest as the women were: brace yourselves!
That vibrator doesn’t do anything for my ego
My wife literally taps me on the head when she’s had enough of me giving her oral sex and says, ‘Why don’t you let me finish?’. This is code for ‘Get the vibrator out of the drawer’.
She likes me to watch her orgasm because she thinks it’s sexy but all I’m really thinking is how can she possibly think I would enjoy watching her orgasm so easily with a machine that I can’t compete with? It’s humiliating.
One man said he feels like he is begging for sex because his girlfriend never initiates, while another confessed he’s fed up of his partner faking orgasms (file image)
Stop talking about size
Saying size doesn’t matter just reinforces to men that it does. Why mention it, otherwise?
Initiate sex once in a while
It’s always left up to me to make the moves which makes me think she only has sex to please me, not because she wants to. I feel like I’m begging for it and that’s not a nice feeling.’
Don’t neglect my testicles
I’m a swinger and I’ve found people are quick to go for the crown jewels, but I like my testicles sucked and played with.’
Stop being so beautiful
I know that sounds nuts but it’s so obvious to everyone that she is far more attractive than I am. I still can’t work out why she chose me because she’s way beyond me. Seeing her long legs wrapped around my paunchy tummy makes me feel bad about myself. I worry when I’m giving her oral sex that she’s noticed I’m losing my hair. The irony is she doesn’t realise she’s beautiful and stresses about not being thin enough. It’s a waste: neither of us are relaxed enough to enjoy how good she looks.’
Step it up a bit when you’re giving me a hand job
My partner keeps saying, ‘But I don’t want to hurt you’ when I ask her to grip harder. My penis is tough: I can’t feel it when she’s too gentle.
Stop faking
I know when she’s faking because I know what she’s like when it’s a real orgasm. Worse, I honestly think she has no clue that I’m not buying it. She does it when she’s not in the mood to have sex but doesn’t want to disappoint me. I would rather she said, ‘I’m not interested but I’m happy to care of you if you want?’.
Don’t give me a hard time for watching porn
Every man you’ve ever been out with has done it – if they say they haven’t, they’re lying. It’s just what men do and it’s got nothing to do with the sex we’ve having. Stop taking it personally and reading too much into it.
Our sex lacks excitement and passion
She comes to bed with house clothes on which then have to be removed. She then lies there, waiting for me to do something. I have to nudge or flat out ask her to touch me in any way. There’s five minutes of awkward foreplay, then she asks if I’m ready. I’m barely warmed up but I comply because I don’t want this rare opportunity to pass. Afterwards, we say goodnight and I turn on my side and hug myself to sleep. It’s the saddest sex I have ever experienced and I sometimes would rather masturbate than go through with it.
I’m a cross-dresser
I have been dressing off and on since puberty and up until this year, I had suppressed the urge for nearly ten years. But the desire recently welled up and I am back at it again. Full outfit now: dress, lingerie, breast forms and heels when I am afforded some time alone at home. If not, I wear panties underneath my male clothes. I do it all in secret as I have feelings of shame. I didn’t let her know about this at the onset of our relationship and I feel it would be a tremendous blow to find out now. I wish I had been brave enough to express my interests fully at the beginning but I didn’t, so here I am stuck in my box. Yes, I could break out of it, but I think the cost would be too high.’
Everything is perfect – don’t change a thing
I’ve just come out of a 27-year marriage with limited sexual and emotional connection. I’ve been with my new partner for five months and there’s no awkwardness, she talks about what she likes and dislikes, what positions she enjoys and what things she wants to try. I’ve never had that before. I love the way she looks at me so intensely when we make love. There’s nothing I would change about her performance.’
Tracey’s weekly SexTok podcast comes out on Tuesdays. Find the link on traceycox.com or listen wherever you listen to your podcasts
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