Heterosexual and want to be better in bed?
Ask your gay and lesbian friends for a tip or two.
Yup, that’s right – the ones who sleep with the same sex.
Same sex couples score better than straight people in most sex studies, consistently across the board. Research shows they have better orgasms, more partner orgasms and more satisfying sex all round.
I’ve spent decades talking with many people of different genders and sexualities while writing and researching sex.
Tracey has spent decades talking with many people of different genders and sexualities while writing and researching sex (stock image)
My conclusion is the hardest combination of all to get right sexually is a heterosexual man paired with a heterosexual woman.
Yes, I might be generalising – horribly in places. Not all straight women and men behave in a certain way and not all gay men and women do.
I’m aware I’m buying into lots of stereotypes here and for that I really do apologise. But there are important lessons to be learnt.
WHAT STRAIGHT MEN CAN LEARN FROM LESBIANS
We all know about ‘the orgasm gap’: that during partner sex, women have substantially less orgasms than men.
Sex expert Tracey Cox, pictured, lists out what heterosexual couples can learn from same-sex pairs
Put a woman with a woman and that problem disappears. Women understand the importance of the clitoris in female orgasms. Many men don’t.
Foreplay starts way before direct stimulation starts
Lesbians might take a bath or shower together first. Invariably, there will be lots of gentle and deep kissing before any direct touching of the hot zones. Men travel from zero to 100 on the arousal scale rapidly, women take longer to warm up.
Another woman knows this, she’s more patient.
There’s less pressure to hurry up because no-one’s rushing; her lover can relax and enjoy what’s happening, without the stress of worrying what will happen if she doesn’t reach the ‘goal’.
Sex is fairer
Women are likely to switch sexual roles with female partners much more than straight couples do and tend not to split into ‘giver’ and ‘taker’. Often there’s a ‘take-turns’ element: one person is brought to climax, then all attention focuses on the other’s pleasure. This results in more satisfying orgasms all round.
Sex is gentler
One woman told me it felt incredibly ‘safe’ having sex with another woman. The session is unlikely to include ‘jack-hammering’ thrusting (hard and fast), which makes a lot of women feel they’re being used ‘to masturbate in’. Not to mention sore afterward. An alarming number of women experience pain on penetration: if intercourse isn’t on the menu, it’s a relief.
You can have multiple orgasms…
When a man ejaculates, it usually means sex is over. Because women can have multiple orgasms, one partner climaxing doesn’t mean things have to stop.
…or none at all with no fuss made
There’s no need to fake it female-to-female because women know that many things affect arousal, desire and orgasm. She can say, ‘I’m got PMT right now so probably won’t have an orgasm. It still feels lovely though!’ without hurting feelings. Women tend to be less goal orientated: their ego isn’t as tied up with the whole ‘I made her orgasm’ thing.
Sex isn’t as structured
Because intercourse isn’t the main event, there’s no beginning, middle and end to the session. This can help stop the couple falling into a predictable format, which is then followed every time.
Foreplay IS sex
Lesbians know all orgasms originate from the clitoris. There is a generous focus and concentration on kissing, lots of breast play and fingering and (you guessed it) tons of oral sex.
All effectively stimulate the clitoris and inner clitoris, something (sadly) penises and intercourse don’t achieve.
They’re inventive and creative
Lots of men only use one technique for a hand-job: they push their fingers in and out of the vagina, neglecting the clitoris entirely. Lesbians are more likely to use a variety of techniques that focus on the clitoris, including scissoring – rubbing their crotch area up against each other.
They’re not threatened by vibrators
Lesbians don’t rely on a vibrator because there’s no need: they’re better at giving each other orgasms. But if one partner decides they fancy or need vibration to finish off, there often isn’t a problem or discussion over why.
WHAT STRAIGHT WOMEN CAN LEARN FROM GAY MEN
So, that’s what heterosexual men can learn from gay women.
Here’s why gay men hold all the cards for straight women, too.
Team a man with a man and you lose the female hang up of ‘I can’t do that, it’s too out there/demeaning/’. Men are much less judgemental about sex and don’t think to question ‘Should I like this?’. If they like it, they like it.
The reward is much more varied sex. Different positions, locations, props, tender sex, wild sex, using their hands, penises, tongues…. the sex life of the average gay partnersip beats a straight couple’s hands down.
Plenty to see and learn here!
They take what they want from sex
The concept of lying back and waiting, fingers crossed, for your lover’s tongue to hit the right spot, is an alien concept to gay men. If their lover’s not in the right position, they are likely to move them or tell them to move. If the technique isn’t working, they will probably say, ‘That’s not working. Do this instead’. Why would you lie back and hope you’ll orgasm when you can make sure you do by making suggestions, changes, adding props?
They’re less hung up on premature ejaculation
Some women find it disappointing if their partner orgasms too soon. Gay men are less ‘judgy’. The whole object of having sex is to get off – if that happens quickly, great! They’ve achieved their aim. It doesn’t mean their mouths or hands have stopped working – and there’s always second time round.
And speak up if it’s going on for too long
Women have the polite gene. We’re unlikely to say, ‘Hurry up!’. Men try everything they can to make their partner climax and ask what he needs or wants. But, if it goes on a little too long, they suggest he DIY while they watch.
They use lube
Want to improve your sex life dramatically and instantly? Use lube more often. Straights drag it out only for intercourse; gay men use it for hand-jobs, anal play, during long sessions, with sex toys – for everything!
They’re not squeamish
Women can get squeamish about semen. Gay guys see it as sexy. Who cares if it ends up all over them or the freshly-washed sheets if the session was fantastic?
He’s got nipples too!
Straight women tend to ignore male breasts, even though they expect lots of attention paid to theirs. Men know nipples can be a hot zone. (Though note the ‘can be’ part. Some men love their nipples tweaked, pulled or even bitten quite hard just before orgasm; others hate it. Experiment but don’t be offended if he pushes your hand away.)
Gently doesn’t do it
Women touch men too softly. Men’s skin is thicker and less sensitive than ours: a firmer stroke and grip feels way better for him.
Anywhere but the bedroom
Women often wait until they’re in bed to initiate sex. Men will do it anywhere because their sex drive is more urgent. The bath, bed, kitchen sink, a tree in a secluded spot – everything is used as a prop. Location, location, location. Ban the bed!
Encore, encore!
Lots of women are too embarrassed to let their partner watch them masturbate. Men like showing off – and watching their partner turn themselves on. Not just that, they watch carefully to see what technique their partner uses, then replicate when it’s their turn to give pleasure.
They don’t people please
We gush about how good the sex was afterward, even if it wasn’t. Men don’t feel inclined to say much at all. ‘Why do you need to? It’s obvious whether the sex was good or terrible!’, says one gay friend of mine.
Amen.
You’ll find Tracey’s two product ranges at Love Honey. Find Tracey’s blog, books and podcast link at traceycox.com.
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