Knowing whether to leave a romantic relationship is often an agonising experience, and that ambivalence can have negative consequences for health and well-being.
Experts have studied what makes this decision so difficult, and found key differences between those in the early stages of their relationship, and those who had been married a while.
Their findings could help therapists working with couples, and stimulate further research into the decision-making process.
Knowing whether leave a romantic relationship is often an agonising experience and that ambivalence can have negative consequences for health and well-being. Experts have studied what people are deliberating about and what makes the decision so difficult (stock image)
Researchers from the University of Utah recruited three samples of people, including people who were in the midst of trying to decide whether to break up or not, to participate in an anonymous survey.
Participants were asked open-ended questions about their specific reasons for both wanting to stay and leave a relationship.
That yielded a list of 27 different reasons for wanting to stay in a relationship and 23 reasons for wanting to leave.
These factors were then converted into a questionnaire that was given to another group of people, who were trying to decide whether to end a dating relationship or marriage.
Individuals in both dating and married situations gave similar reasons for wanting to leave a relationship.
But the researchers found significant differences in stay reasoning between the two groups.
Professor Samantha Joel, who led the study, said: ‘Humans fall in love for a reason.
‘From an evolutionary perspective, for our ancestors finding a partner may have been more important than finding the right partner.
‘It might be easier to get into relationships than to get back out of them.
‘Most of the research on breakups has been predictive, trying to predict whether a couple stays together or not.
‘But we don’t know much about the decision process, what are the specific relationship pros and cons that people are weighing out.’
At the top of the ‘stay’ list were emotional intimacy, investment and a sense of obligation, while at the top of the ‘leave’ list were issues with a partner’s personality, breaches of trust and partners withdrawing from the relationship.
Researchers found significant differences in why people who are dating and those who are married decide to stay in their relationships. The findings could help therapists working with couples and stimulate further research into the decision-making process
Participants who were dating said they were considering staying based on more positive reasons such as aspects of their partner’s personality that they like, emotional intimacy and enjoyment of the relationship.
Those who were married gave more constraint reasons for staying such as investment into the relationship, family responsibilities, fear of uncertainty and logistical barriers.
And about half of the participants said they had reasons to both stay and leave, indicating ambivalence about their relationships.
Most people, Dr Joel said, have standards and deal breakers about the kind of person they want to date or marry but those often go out the window when they meet someone.
‘What was most interesting to me was how ambivalent people felt about their relationships. They felt really torn,’ she added.
‘Breaking up can be a really difficult decision.
‘You can look at a relationship from outside and say “you have some really unsolvable problems, you should break up”.
‘But from the inside that is a really difficult thing to do and the longer you’ve been in a relationship, the harder it seems to be.’