News, Culture & Society

‘Vinnie Jones locked me in the boot. I thought I was going to die’

FRIDAY, JUNE 14

Madonna, 60, appeared on Graham Norton and was spectacularly rude, obnoxious, boring, self-absorbed, whiny and humourless. She also looked pathetically ridiculous, sporting a pirate’s eye-patch, a mutton-dressed-as-lamb spangly mini-skirt and a boob tube.

Other than that, she nailed it.

TUESDAY, JUNE 18

The Spice Girls have just finished their hugely successful comeback tour, but with one sour note.

‘Today’s our 15th wedding anniversary!’ Dennis Wise exclaimed. ‘Congratulations!’ I replied. ‘Best decision of my life,’ grinned Dennis, ‘though it coincided with my worst one – asking Vinnie Jones to be my best man’

Mel B revealed on Good Morning Britain how upset and disappointed she was that Victoria Beckham didn’t go to any of the shows. ‘I expected her to come and say “hi” at least,’ Mel said. ‘Not even on stage, just as an audience member supporting.’

Beckham once proudly declared: ‘I have no time for women who don’t support other women.’

It turns out Posh Spice has no time for supporting the four women without whose help nobody would have ever heard of her.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 19

To the ITV box at Royal Ascot, jam-packed with showbiz luminaries including Dame Joan Collins, Jason Manford and a sniffling Susanna Reid. When I went to kiss her hello, she recoiled. ‘Ah,’ I said. ‘Forgot your cold. Thanks for not wanting to infect me.’

‘It’s not that,’ she replied. ‘I just don’t want to kiss you.’

The second race had a horse named Dashing Willoughby. ‘We should back that in honour of Holly,’ suggested ITV chief executive Dame Carolyn McCall.

‘Don’t waste your money,’ I scoffed. ‘The name Willoughby is synonymous with failure.’ Of course, it duly won.

‘Hope you backed me!’ texted a gleeful Holly. ‘I’m sitting in the bath watching it and was screaming at the telly!’

I was screaming too, in silent anguish at the knowledge that my boss, who did back her, now perceives ‘Willoughby’ to be synonymous with success.

Famed war correspondent Rageh Omaar was amused by my recent spat with his former BBC colleague John Simpson, who became a global laughing stock in 2001 for claiming to have ‘liberated Kabul’ during the post 9/11 attacks on Al Qaeda in Afghanistan.

‘John’s liberation of Kabul was certainly news to me,’ chuckled Rageh, ‘given I’d already been there with my team for a week. And we all mistakenly assumed it was B-52 bombers that liberated Kabul.’

Former England footballer Dennis Wise was in the next box, so popped into ours with his wife Claire. ‘Today’s our 15th wedding anniversary!’ he exclaimed.

‘Congratulations!’ I replied.

‘Best decision of my life,’ grinned Dennis, ‘though it coincided with my worst one – asking Vinnie Jones to be my best man.’

‘WHAT?’ ‘I know… it was a disaster! He got me wrecked the night before and carried on drinking right through to the reception, by which time he was so p***** he couldn’t read his speech. So when the moment came, he turned to me, snarled “F*** this Ratski,” ripped up his prepared words and just spray-gunned abuse at everyone in the room!’

Incredibly, Dennis said this wasn’t even the worst thing Vinnie did to him.

‘When we played together in the “Crazy Gang” at Wimbledon, we once had a fight in a car at 80mph on the motorway and he locked me in the boot then carried on driving. I thought I was going to die!’

We FaceTimed Vinnie, who answered clutching a large shotgun.

‘Been hunting rabbits!’ he shouted. As for Mr Wise’s allegations, he roared with laughter. ‘I categorically… admit everything!’

THURSDAY, JUNE 20

‘Is Piers Morgan A Psychopath?’ asked the Radio Times this week.

They explored this disconcerting question by getting me to answer a detailed test set by Dr David Dutton, a psychology expert from Oxford University.

‘Piers does possess some psychopathic tendencies,’ concluded Dr Dutton. ‘He’s persuasive, charismatic, cool under pressure and can be ruthless when he has to. But in other ways, he is un-psychopathic – he’s reliable, hard-working, and very empathetic. You might call him a good psychopath!’ Right.

FRIDAY, JUNE 21

Back to Ascot. I texted fellow Arsenal fan Frankie Dettori to congratulate him on his stunning four-win triumph yesterday. ‘Thanks buddy,’ he replied. ‘I wish Arsenal were as good as me!’

‘Which of your rides do you fancy today?’

‘Ryan Moore has all the good ones,’ he answered. So I piled on to Moore in the first race. He lost.

Irritated, I piled on to Frankie in the second race. Moore won.

Fuming, I piled on to Moore in the third race. Frankie won.

Ripping my hair out, I piled back on to Moore in the fourth race. He lost.

Now volcanic, I piled on to Moore in the fifth race. He lost.

Disgusted, I piled what was left of my cash on to Frankie in the final race. Moore won.

As acclaimed theologian Dean Inge said: ‘Gambling is a disease of barbarians superficially supervised.’

SATURDAY, JUNE 22

News has broken that police were called late on Thursday night to the London flat Boris Johnson shares with girlfriend Carrie Symonds, following reports of a blazing row between them involving smashed plates and profane shouting. By coincidence, I sat next to Boris’s former lover Petronella Wyatt at a dinner party the same night.

‘What was he like during your relationship?’ I asked.

‘Very over-emotional and dramatic,’ she sighed. ‘But perhaps he’s calmed down.’

SUNDAY, JUNE 23

Since my Soccer Aid managerial glory, I’ve been inundated with congratulatory messages, none shorter or sweeter than the one that arrived by WhatsApp this morning below a photo of me holding aloft the trophy:

‘AH..hahahaha – you the man!’ said Cristiano Ronaldo. 

Read more at DailyMail.co.uk


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