Novelist, grandmother of four and ex-Blue Peter presenter Janet Ellis, 62, answers your questions…
Q: My mother-in-law is great with her other grandchildren (two girls aged five and seven), but ignores my three-year-old son. We live close by, yet she rarely drops in to visit and never offers to babysit — I always feel like it’s an imposition when I ask.
In contrast, she sees her granddaughters practically every day: she picks them up from school, often looks after them in the evenings and runs them to their weekly dance classes.
A reader asked Janet Ellis for advice on improving the relationship between her son and mother-in-law (file image)
This summer, she paid for them to go on holiday with her and her daughter. It feels like my son’s being rejected. I want him to have a good relationship with both sets of grandparents, but it’s hard not to take this as a personal insult. What can I do?
A: You can never have enough help with young children, can you? Another pair of hands is invaluable — and even better if it’s someone who loves your child, too.
But I don’t think your question is entirely about babysitting. By now, you’ve probably got the usual army of helpers who can step in.
Adding your mother-in-law to the roster would be a bonus, but I think what you’d really like is a relationship with her.
Can you think back to when you began to feel left out? Did you resist your mother-in-law’s offers of assistance when your son was born? It’s a difficult path to tread, and she may have needed clear instructions about when to drop in and when to respect your privacy.
It’s easy to see why she has a more open relationship with her daughter and her children — we all hope that we know our daughters well enough to understand their views on childcare. She isn’t the first mother-in-law to approach her son’s wife on tiptoe, and then not to approach at all.
Your husband could have been the broker between the two of you, but divided loyalties often result in silence. He won’t have wanted to upset either of the important women in his life. You don’t mention your mother’s involvement.
Janet (pictured) advised the reader to spend time with her mother-in-law to improve their connection
Before you ask anything practical of your mother-in-law, spend time with her when neither your son nor hers is around. Don’t forget, too, that her other grandchildren are older, patterns have been established and she may feel wary of caring for a toddler again.
Get to know her better, woman to woman, and ask her advice (always a good ice-breaker) about what you’re doing with her grandson. That’ll help you connect with her as a one-time mother of young children, not just a babysitter.
All sorts of things will shift within the family over time, and who can predict when it’ll be your son’s turn to benefit from his grandmother’s attention?
Your mother-in-law is obviously generous, reliable and loving, so I can see why you’d like your son to know her better.
Make a friend of her first and her generosity to your son will follow.