A relationship expert has revealed that ‘going to bed angry’ can be better for your relationship than trying to sort everything out before hitting the sack.
Patricia Lamas suggests couples should instead sleep ‘touching toes’ if they’ve had a fight.
The licensed couples therapist and said the ‘touching toes rule’ could save your relationship and never allowing each other to go to bed angry can be ‘very harmful’.
She said by touching toes in bed after an unresolved fight, you are communicating to your partner that you still love and care for them despite any difficulties you may be going through.
‘We’ve always been told to not go to bed without solving the problem,’ Patricia, who runs her own practice Securely Coupled, said in an online video.
‘This advice can be very harmful for your relationship, sometime you’ll spin for hours because you can’t find a solution.’
Couple’s therapist Patricia Lamas (pictured) revealed why there’s nothing wrong with going to bed angry and how ‘touching toes’ could save a relationship
Patricia, who is from LA, recommended having a ‘touch toes’ rule with your partner should you have a disagreement before bedtime.
‘That is an indicator of: ‘We are upset and we still love each other and we’re still here and we’re together’,’ she explained.
‘By making this agreement you agree that your relationship is your priority and that you will keep it safe. It’s the hardest thing to do but it’s purposeful rather than feelings-based.’
In the clip’s caption, Patricia said refusing to go to bed angry can throw you into a ‘never ending disagreement’ and pausing to get some shut eye is better than ‘spinning and extending the argument’.
Patrician said refusing to go to bed angry can throw you into a ‘never ending disagreement’ and pausing to get some shut eye is better than ‘spinning and extending the argument’
‘The longer an argument, the more likely it is to be remembered in our long term memory as threat, the more likely we are to become enemies,’ the psychotherapist said.
Instead, Patricia said to make an agreement to let each other know your relationship is safe despite your ‘hurt egos’, whether it be touching toes or another act of passive affection.
‘Make an agreement to signal to each other no matter what state you go to bed in that you are safe, and your relationship is OK, even if you are angry,’ she said.
‘This is self activating, thinking about the well being of our unit while we think of ourselves, and it is necessary for a secure relationship. It is a skill to develop to consciously relate with one another.’
She said by touching toes in bed after an unresolved fight, you are communicating to your partner that you still love and care for them despite any difficulties you may be going through
Patricia’s video with her helpful advice racked up more than 1.2million views across Instagram and TikTok with many saying they will adopt the relationship-saving method.
‘Well done, great ritual to get to the next day to continue the conversation,’ one man said.
‘Aww love this so much, I’m about to get married and I’ll do this,’ another viewer replied.
‘Wow I love this. I used to try touch hands or butt-to-butt, toes seems better after arguing,’ a third added.
Others said they had tried and tested the rule throughout their relationship and vouched for its effectiveness.
‘I hate this ‘we have to solve it now’, no I do not, I’m angry and hurt and don’t understand my own feelings right now or why I am like this,’ one woman said.
‘Just give me space, so I can regulate myself first before I say something hurtful that I will regret later and will definitely make the situation worse.’
‘I’ve always disliked that advice of ‘never going to bed mad’, because I almost never want to talk something through the same day it happened. Nothing productive will be said while I’m mad,’ a second agreed.
‘My partner and I wait until the weekend and we go out on a date and talk about what happened and how we can handle the situation better next time.’
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