Why you DON’T need to ask your in-laws’ permission to propose! Etiquette bible Debrett’s shares new rules on the modern way to pop the question
Tradition has long dictated that a man must ask a woman’s father for her hand in marriage before making his proposal.
But masters of manners and decorum, Debrett’s, has revealed the practice is now outdated.
The bible of etiquette confirmed in the latest edition of its distinguished handbook that gaining permission from the in-laws’ is ‘no longer observed’ ahead of popping the question.
While the guide admitted that ‘some men still follow the formality of making their intentions known to the bride’s father or parents before proposing’, it is no longer required by those wanting to be socially acceptable.
The publisher explained that the modern approach sees some couples asking permission after they are already engaged ‘as a mere formality’.
Tradition has long dictated that a man must ask a woman’s father for her hand in marriage before making his proposal. But masters of manners and decorum, Debrett’s, has revealed the practice is now outdated (stock photo)
However, there are some rules that the prospective groom or bride should definitely stick to when popping the question, according to the Debrett’s Handbook (www.debretts.com), Coronation Edition, published April 2023.
These include never upstaging another important event and always following what the person you’re proposing to has shared about their ideal style of proposal.
‘If the prospective bride has already indicated a preferred style of proposal… then her suitor must not be swayed by pressure from others to ignore her wishes,’ said the publisher.
It added: ‘Most suitors choose to ask the question quietly – getting down on one knee may well be appreciated.
‘Some may choose a public proposal. It is important that the proposal is not made on an occasion when it upstages another important event such as the prospective bride’s graduation or a family wedding.’
The Debrett’s Handbook Coronation Edition, pictured
It also pointed out that ‘proposing is no longer solely the role of the man’, and that ‘there is no “right” or “wrong” way to ask for someone’s hand in marriage.’
The Handbook, described as an entertaining guide to modern manners, also features a solid set of rules around posting news of an engagement on social media – and who should be made aware of the proposal beforehand.
Debrett’s explained: ‘The parents of both the bride and bridegroom should always be the first to hear of an engagement.
‘News should be conveyed in person wherever possible or, at the very least, by telephone.
‘Telephone calls to the rest of the family, godparents and close friends will follow; a round-robin email or text announcing the news is fine for everyone else.
‘Following that, social media and the grapevine can be relied upon to spread the word, or you may choose more targeted methods.’
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