Woman reveals realities of living with a morbidly obese spouse

A woman who married a morbidly obese surgeon has opened up about how his weight took a toll on their relationship, saying her fear that he was going to die caused her great anxiety.   

When Dana Rosser, 57, from Orlando, Florida, met her husband of nearly 30 years, laparoscopic surgeon Dr. James ‘Butch’ Rosser, 67, he weighed 460 pounds. Many assumed she was after his money when they wed in 1995. 

‘People called me a gold digger because, in their mind, there’s no way someone could find a 460-pound man attractive,’ she recalled in an essay published by Today. ‘He’s a world-renowned surgeon so people thought I was with him because of the fame and fortune. That really hurt my feelings.’

Butch, now 67, weighed 460 pounds when they met, and people branded Dana a ‘gold digger’ because they couldn’t fathom she’d be attracted to a man that size 

Dana said it was Butch’s smile and character that led her to fall in love with him, explaining that they shared ‘the same Christian values’ and ‘laughed a lot’ when they were together. 

However, she was constantly on edge because of her never-ending concerns for his health. She also secretly struggled with embarrassment and anger over their situation.  

‘He couldn’t walk really long distances — he would sweat and his knees would hurt. He couldn’t play outside with our girls when they were little. He dealt with sleep apnea — at night, he snored very loudly and would stop breathing,’ she said. ‘I had a fear of him dying in his sleep, so I would nudge him to make sure he was OK.

‘I couldn’t really get a good night’s rest because I was always checking to make sure he was alive. When the phone rang, I’d get really nervous because I would think somebody is calling me to tell me he had a heart attack or stroke,’ she added. 

‘I lived with a constant gnawing fear in the back of my head that something was going to happen to him. It caused me great angst and anxiety.’

Dana explained that she fell in love with Butch’s character, and they wed in 1995  

Dana lived in fear that Butch would die because of his weight, and she also struggled with how people cruelly mistreated him

Dana, who wrote about the challenges of supporting a loved one with obesity in her 2015 book, Thru Thick & Thin, recalled how Butch broke a seat on a plane and landed in the lap of the passenger behind him.

Her first reaction was to help her husband, but after they were re-seated, she thought about what had happened and realized she was ‘totally mortified, embarrassed, and angry.’  

‘It wasn’t just him that it happened to, it happened to me, too, because people were staring at us and laughing,’ she explained. 

For years, she watched people mistreat her husband, saying they would snicker when they walked in a restaurant and ask him cruel questions about his weight. 

‘I wouldn’t say anything, but I would give them the meanest look,’ she said. ‘They dehumanize someone who’s dealing with obesity. Obesity is a disease and I don’t think people realize that.’ 

The couple (pictured after Butch’s weight loss surgery) often stayed home because he couldn’t fit into the seats at most restaurants and event venues

In 2001, Butch underwent gastric bypass surgery and lost 160 pounds

Dana was ‘always on the lookout for problems’ whenever she and Butch went out in public. If they wanted to eat at a restaurant, she had to make sure they had seats without arms that he could fit into. Booths were not an option. 

They were unable to go to basketball games, plays, and concerts because Butch couldn’t fit into the seats. At the movies, they had to have an empty seat between them for the same reason.   

‘Home was a safe place for him, so I stayed at home with him even though I didn’t want to,’ she shared, saying she started to become ‘reclusive like him.’ 

Even though she felt like she was ‘losing’ who she was, she didn’t confide in Butch because she didn’t want to add on to his own struggles. 

Dana said her husband tried diet after diet to lose weight without success. She attempted to make his meals healthier by swapping ingredients, a practice she called ‘stealthy healthy cooking.’  

In 2001, Butch underwent gastric bypass surgery and lost 160 pounds. The weight loss improved his health, as well as his mood and confidence. 

Butch has maintained his weight loss for two decades, but Dana noted that eating properly is a lifelong struggle for him

‘Obesity is a disease and I don’t think people realize that,’ Dana explained 

Dana admitted that her husband’s physical transformation made her feel ‘insecure.’ After she caught a few women checking him out at a concert, she irrationally worried he was going to leave her for someone else.  

Butch has maintained his weight loss for two decades, but Dana noted that eating properly is a lifelong struggle for him. 

The couple shared their story in the new short documentary More Than What We See, which is featured on the educational streaming platform Mediflix.

Dana and Butch appeared on the Today show on Thursday via video call to further discuss their journey and share their advice with others who are in similar situations. 

Butch recalled how he pushed himself to be successful to combat the stigma surrounding obesity. 

‘All my life, I tried to out-perform the negative by being the smartest, being big but the fastest, being big but the most athletic. I tried to outdistance it,’ he explained. 

The couple appeared on the Today show on Thursday, and Butch said he was ‘devastated’ when he realized how much his weight had impacted his wife 

Butch’s experience led him to start performing weight loss surgery to help others in similar situations

‘What I finally settled on was being that big teddy bear, where I opened up my heart and embraced people. All of a sudden, my size became an advantage because they said, “This big guy is going to protect me.”‘

Butch admitted that he had no idea how much his weight had impacted his wife all those years. 

‘I was devastated,’ he said. ‘I’ve always tried in my life to be a sensitive individual, especially to people who were downtrodden. But I didn’t know one of the downtrodden happened to be my wife dealing with that. 

‘Most of us concentrate on the patient and we forget the song that no one else hears, and that’s the song of the loved ones who dare to love someone like me.’ 

It was Butch’s own weight loss journey that led him to start performing weight loss surgery to help others in similar situations. 

‘I think I became an even better instrument for the greater good,’ he said.