You can just stuff the turkey! CRAIG BROWN on Gordon Ramsay’s guide to the perfect Christmas meal 

As a father and chef, I’ve certainly cooked my fair share of festive feasts — and each year, without fail, I’m asked for my ideas about what’s good to serve at Christmas.

For me, the answer is always the same: stop bothering me, get a life, and learn to stand on your own two feet.

So here I’m sharing some of my favourite recipes, specially designed for those who have more than half a brain in their fat, ugly heads. Bon Appetit — and if you don’t find it Bon and you’ve lost your Appetit, then you can just **** the ****off.

Here is Gordon Ramsay’s Stress-Free — What did I just say? I Said Stress Free and Now You’ve Gone and Ruined It — Christmas Countdown. 

You’ve left it too bloody late, mate. You should have done this hours ago. Call yourself a ***** cook? [File photo]

Well in advance 

Two to three weeks ahead of the big day, order your fresh, free-range turkey. What do you mean it’s too late, it’s already Christmas Eve? 

Don’t come whining to me. You should have thought of that yourself, you useless piece of offal.

If you opt for frozen turkey, allow three days to thaw in fridge. That’s the turkey, not you. 

What are you, thick or something? I can’t believe it! What have I done to deserve this?

Today, Christmas Eve

Today, sit down, take a deep breath, and make a list of all the things you meant to do but haven’t done and then look in the mirror and tell yourself what a hopeless selfish ****** idiot you are for ruining your family’s Christmas Meal.

If you opt for frozen turkey, allow three days to thaw in fridge. That’s the turkey, not you. What are you, thick or something? I can’t believe it! [File photo]

12 hours in advance

Count the chipolatas. Now count them again. And again. 

However many times you count them you’re still going to have only eight chipolatas for 12 people, which means that four members of your family are going to be very, very angry, and there’s nothing you can do about it. 

Tears, squabbles, grief: so what kind of Christmas do you call this?

6 to 7 hours in advance

You’ve left it too bloody late, mate. You should have done this hours ago. Call yourself a ***** cook? I wouldn’t even trust you with the drying-up, you piece of garbage.

5 hours in advance

Make the cranberry and apple sauce. What do you mean, you forgot to buy any cranberries, and you’ve just taken a bite of the apple? 

Oh, what’s the ****** point? I’ve had it up to here with you, I really have. Get out of my kitchen!

OK. Come back. Now peel the potatoes. Or doesn’t diddums know how to peel a potato? 

And now put them over there. No, not there — there! Blimey! You nearly killed us all!

Remove the turkey from the oven and check it’s cooked. It’s not, is it? It’s spurting blood all over the place [File photo]

4½ hours in advance

Put the roast turkey with lemon, parsley and garlic in the preheated oven. 

Yes, that’s what I said, I said, in the pre-heated oven. What do you mean you haven’t pre-heated it? 

Well, that’s it. I give up! If you haven’t pre-heated the oven, there’s literally no point my carrying on. I mean, why do I bloody bother. 

Let’s all just eat bread and butter instead. You’ve just gone and ruined everyone’s Christmas. I suppose you’re proud of yourself. Well, are you? 

Four hours ahead 

Okay, the oven’s pre-heated, and about bloody time, too. Have you got cotton wool for brains? 

Well, HAVE you? Lay the bacon rashers over the turkey. No, not that way, stupid — THAT way!

Now, get those sprouts and just chuck them in the bin, because no one likes them but you. And who cares what you think? 

You think it’s all about you don’t you? Well, it’s not, so you’ve got another think coming, sunshine. 

45 minutes ahead 

Remove the turkey from the oven and check it’s cooked. It’s not, is it? It’s spurting blood all over the place. 

It could do with another three hours, I reckon. Okay, everybody, lunch won’t be until 5.30pm at the earliest, thanks to you-know-bloody-who. 

Minus three hours 

Oh, my God, the turkey’s burnt to a frazzle, you can slice the bread sauce, the gravy tastes of washing-up liquid, the chipolatas are more like lumps of coal and the potatoes are … hang on, where are the potatoes?

What do you mean, you forgot to put the potatoes on? OK, everybody, Christmas lunch is off! 

But don’t worry — we can still spread a little happiness. Has anyone seen the Monopoly?

Let’s all just eat bread and butter instead. You’ve just gone and ruined everyone’s Christmas. I suppose you’re proud of yourself. Well, are you? [File photo]