A mom who was left fearing for her sanity after battling delusions and hallucinations as a result of postpartum psychosis ultimately banished her demons by pumping iron at the gym.
Mom-of-two Heather Messenger, 33, first experienced bouts of the terrifying mental illness, living as if she had monster-like voices in her head telling her to harm her daughters, after welcoming her second child.
The Sarasota, Florida-based marketing professional’s life was torn apart as she spent six months trying to cope with the traumatic ordeal. However, six years later, she credits her physical health and commitment to fitness with helping her overcome the postnatal illness.
Thriving: Mom-of-two Heather Messenger, 33, experienced postpartum psychosis, a terrifying and rare mental illness, but turned her life around thanks to her love for fitness
Difference: The 33-year-old, pictured left in her 20s, always wanted to be a mom, right, but never expected to have such a harrowing experience of postpartum psychosis
When it began: Heather, pictured with her then-newborn Brooke, daughter Nichole and husband Miles in 2013, began battling the mental illness just days after giving birth
Heather said she felt certain she would live ‘happily ever after,’ when she and her husband, Miles, 34, whose firm manufactures golf carts, had their eldest daughter, Nichole, now eight.
But when, 15 months later, they started trying for a second child, they had a miscarriage at 12 weeks.
When pregnant with her second daughter Brooke, now six, Heather also experienced an extremely difficult pregnancy which led to bouts of depression within days of welcoming the newborn.
When Miles returned to work a day after Brooke was born and with her mom away in Europe, Heather was left alone with her daughters and her anxiety soon became explosive.
Heather said: ‘Postpartum psychosis is a dangerous illness. It started out as a deep depression, but it quickly got worse. I had demon-like voices in my head. I couldn’t sleep, I was agitated, and I couldn’t be trusted to look after my children alone.’
Described by the NHS as a ‘rare but serious mental health illness that can affect a woman soon after she has a baby,’ with symptoms ranging from hallucinations and delusions to mania, depression, confusion and loss of inhibitions.’
‘I started ignoring people’s calls and I didn’t invite any family round to meet Brooke,’ Heather said. ‘I was always anxious, I felt alone and started feeling dizzy.
Now:The Florida-based mom managed to gain control of her life again, but she revealed she barely remembers what happened for the six months that she was suffering from the illness
Happy: Heather praised the support of her family for helping her get through the terrifying illness
‘I couldn’t stop crying and I felt like I was losing myself and my daughters were losing their mother.’
This experience was in stark contrast to how she felt after having Nichole, when she was ‘on cloud nine.’
Jokingly dubbed the ‘giant family,’ because Miles is 6’9 and Heather is 6’1, the couple had loved their first foray into parenthood with Nichole.
Two months later, when Heather fell pregnant with Brooke, rather than feeling excited, she was overcome with worry.
‘When I was pregnant with Nichole, I wasn’t too strict about what I ate or what I did. But with Brooke I was so careful about everything – I wouldn’t even breathe near soft cheese,’ she said.
At nine weeks pregnant, Heather started to bleed but, thankfully, doctors reassured her, saying her unborn baby was fine. But panic set in again when she slipped and fell on to her stomach at eight months pregnant.
‘I was so worried that when the doctors told me she was okay and showed me her heartbeat it felt amazing,’ she said.
Instead of feeling the ‘rush of love’ she had experienced when Nichole was born, however, when Brooke arrived, she recalls that ‘something felt off.’
‘I was scared to go home. I know it’s normal, but I think it was a warning sign,’ she said.
Still, Heather soldiered on, but she continued spiraling downwards until, two weeks after giving birth, she felt so unstable she saw her doctor.
She explained she felt scared and was sad all the time, and so, she was diagnosed with postnatal depression – a common problem after childbirth, according to the NHS, which can leave women feeling down, tearful and anxious, but usually lifts within a few weeks – and prescribed antidepressants.
Instead of seeing her mood lift, though, Heather began having terrifying psychotic thoughts, when she would hear voices telling her to harm herself or her daughters.
Fearing what might happen if she was left alone with her children, eight weeks after giving birth to Brooke, she and Miles went to live with her mother for a while.
Once more she saw her doctor, and despite still feeling scared to confess her fears, Heather described the visions she had been experiencing, and this time she was diagnosed with postpartum psychosis and prescribed Paxil – an antidepressant used to treat anxiety and anxiety disorders.
She was allowed back home as she had a great family support, and her mother was there to help take care of the children. But still, her mental health continued to deteriorate.
‘Giant family’: Heather joked that the Messengers are nicknamed the ‘giant family’ as Miles is 6’9 and she is 6’1
She said: ‘I couldn’t sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time. My body felt like I’d drunk hundreds of cups of coffee. I became very separate from my daughters and would try to nap all the time.
‘I started to resent Brooke and wish she’d never been born. Everything had been perfect before she came along. I thought it was all her fault.
‘I heard voices in my head constantly. I’d pace around the room a lot like I was possessed. I’d bang on the door and yell, “Make them stop.”
Strong: Heather began to train towards the bikini body competitions to prove to herself that she was ‘strong’ after the mental illness took over her life
‘One time Miles was so concerned about my behavior he took the girls out of the house, so they couldn’t see me in that state.’
Luckily, Heather’s mom took over, persuading her daughter to take a back seat while she looked after the girls. Heather has a hazy memory of this period of her life, but believes her psychosis lasted for about six months.
‘As well as hearing voices, I started hallucinating,’ she said. ‘Once I thought my tongue was swelling up and I couldn’t breathe.
‘I’d see this purple smoke and a demon would appear. I’d just close my eyes and pray it’d go away.
‘Miles and my family were so worried, they told me never to be alone by myself. I knew I needed more help.’
Eventually, Heather began seeing a psychiatrist every other week, and a therapist twice a week – until she started feeling better and the sessions went down to once a week.
Over a period of four months, she shared with therapist what she was thinking and, thankfully, her dark thoughts and the voices in her head disappeared.
Finally, six months after her terrible visions began, they ceased, and Heather was at last able to leave her mom’s and resume the family life she had always wanted in their own home.
Fitness: Heather pictured in June 2019 after placing second at the Fitness Universe show
Winner: Heather regularly competes in bikini body competitions, routinely placing in first and second place
‘I felt like I was going to be stuck like that forever, when it was going on. But speaking about what I was going through helped me so much,’ said Heather. ‘I don’t know what triggered my psychosis, but I had such a stressful pregnancy and that could’ve contributed to it.’
Around eight months after it began, Heather was also diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, as she tried to process the horrifying thoughts that had clouded her mind.
‘I felt so guilty that I’d thought evil things about my daughters,’ Heather said. ‘It took me about a year to feel comfortable alone. I was scared of sleep because I was scared to be alone with my own thoughts.’
Determined to return to full-health after her postpartum psychosis, which can see the most severe symptoms lasting for two to 12 weeks while it can take six to 12 months or more to recover from the condition, Heather also began a carefully constructed exercise and meal plan.
‘I realized that taking care of myself would enable me to become a better mother. I started healing my body on the inside and out,’ she said.
Girls: Heather said she struggled to bond with her daughters Nichole, left, and Brooke, when she was battling postpartum psychosis but now the family are incredibly close
Family: The Messengers, who live in Sarasota, Florida, on a trip to Disney Land
And in 2015, by then the picture of health, Heather – who is positive her top physical form has helped to keep her mental health in check – entered Fitness Universe, a bikini body competition in Miami and won first place.
Recently, she placed second in the Bikini Pro category at the Fitness Universe show.
‘For me, the competition wasn’t about winning, it was about realizing I was a strong woman and what I’d managed to overcome,’ Heather said.
‘I was shaking and crying on the stage. But honestly, I felt like I was bullet proof and like I was 10 ft tall – it was amazing.
‘Fitness and healthy eating did wonders for my mind and it’s now allowed me to become a better mother, too.
‘Brooke and I have a very special bond now. We’re a really close family. I’m grateful for what I’ve been through, because I’ve come out the other side a stronger, better mother.
‘I’m also so grateful for my husband and my family’s support – I wouldn’t have come through this if it wasn’t for them.
‘By talking about what happened, I was able to process the psychosis and move on from it. Even though I was scared, it was the best thing I could’ve done, and I’d encourage any woman in a similar situation to do the same.
‘And I now know that to keep a healthy mind, I need to have a healthy body, too.’