You’re fab, Amal Clooney but never make me cringe like that again, says Rachel Johnson

Maybe I’m jealous. OK, of course I’m jealous, but watching Amal Clooney in action in a bespoke, pastel-pink Prada maxi-mini-dress at that Hollywood back-slapper last week I felt something was a little… off?

She was there to support her husband George as he received a lifetime achievement award. Uber-glam wifey made a sweet speech, but as she shared her ‘few well-chosen words’, the back of my neck began to prickle.

She loved George, whose smile made her melt every time. ‘My love, what I have found with you,’ she told the equally besotted Tinseltown crowd, ‘is the great love I always hoped existed.’

Amal Clooney speaks a the  Life Achievement Award Gala Tribute to her husband George.  Her tribute to him was ‘magnificent, manipulative tosh’

I could live with this, even though it was troppo for my taste.

On the whole, I don’t go for public displays or statements of affection, and prefer people who grunt ‘You’re not that bad either’ rather than bestow moist embraces and make sugary, flowery tributes to their love objects.


More from Rachel Johnson for The Mail on Sunday…

Anyway, Amal said she couldn’t sleep when they were apart (again, I am more likely to warm to a woman who confesses of her partner: ‘I can’t sleep when we’re together’).

After this she went in even harder, in case we hadn’t got the message that George was not just The One, he was Prince Charming and knight in shining armour, Christmas, birthday and Easter, all at once.

‘I met George when I was 35,’ she told the live-streamed ceremony, ‘and starting to become quite resigned to the idea that I was going to be a spinster.’ Noooo, Amal! Not this! Please don’t tell us you were poor Cinders. 

We all know you are a private school, Oxford-educated, international barrister and acknowledged beauty and you were only 35 when you met in his Lake Como palazzo. I’ve got Levi’s older than that!

Not since Julia Roberts stood in front of Hugh Grant and pretended she was just an adorable girl asking a boy to love her have I heard such magnificent, manipulative tosh.

Amal and George Clooney enjoy an intimate moment at the ife Achievement Award Gala

Amal and George Clooney enjoy an intimate moment at the ife Achievement Award Gala

I must single out for close textual analysis in particular her choice of the word ‘spinster’ – picked to signal that she self-identified as a single pringle of ripening years condemned to being on the shelf till ol’ blue eyes came along and dusted her off. It’s nonsense, of course. I wish women wouldn’t do this.

Far better to own the fact that she is one of the most beautiful, celebrated, and deservedly successful women of our times, who couldn’t help stealing the show when she arrived dressed as a beanpole buttercup in Stella McCartney couture at last month’s Royal Wedding.

She doesn’t even know there is a rule book  

Kate Moss attends the Yves Saint Laurent Fashion Show at Liberty Park in New York

Kate Moss attends the Yves Saint Laurent Fashion Show at Liberty Park in New York

Look at this picture of Kate Moss. Playsuit. No bra. Or, indeed skirt or proper top.  

It’s clear she hasn’t decided to break all the rules for forty-something dressing at once and on purpose.

She is blithely unaware they even exist. 

I wish that instead of spinning the Cinderella myth, she told the truth: that she worked hard to make it to here.

She is a phenomenal woman: a human rights lawyer who has worked with Kofi Annan on Syria, who’s an activist for the persecuted Yazidi people and who’s done more for others than everyone I know put together.

If anyone’s entitled to enjoy her happiness, she is.

She’s a working mother, A-list celebrity, clothes horse and model (she was photographed by Annie Leibovitz for the cover of US Vogue in May). It takes a lot of effort and money to look that fabulous and skinny

But she is so worried that women will hate her that she partly has to pretend it’s all been a Hollywood fairy tale. An accident.

It’s not, Mrs Clooney. You’ve got what you want – and what we all wanted too, but don’t mind us. You go right ahead and enjoy it.

 Kirstie, you’re a first class inspiration 

Kirstie Allsopp hit back hard during the uproar created by her admission that she and her partner Ben flew business but the kids went coach. 

‘F*** off Steve, rot in hell you judgmental, know-nothing ****,’ was one of her milder replies to critics – of which I am not one.

My family were once flown back first class on Air Jamaica (full disclosure: we knew the owner of the airline). 

It was a spoiling, one-off treat but there was a hitch: there were only three first class tickets, not five. 

My then small children raced on to the plane, turned left, lay down on the flatbed seats, put on their headphones and refused to budge. 

I hate to tell you that we wetly left them there and slunk off to the back of the plane. Wish I could be more Kirstie.

Quotes of the week  

‘They say time is a healer but I’ve lost my watch. How is time going to heal? I have no idea what time it is.’

Comic Michael McIntyre  makes light of being robbed of his £15,000 Rolex by an armed moped gang.

‘Of course it has to be led by a man. It’s a very challenging position.’

Qatar Airways boss Akbar Al Baker sparks uproar by claiming a woman could never do his job. He later apologised.

‘The apocalypse is not upon us.’

BBC head of comedy Julia McKenzie reassures fans after Nicholas Parsons missed Just A Minute for the first time in 50 years.

If I thought the quicker I got to the top, the sooner I wouldn’t have to put up with this nonsense  

 Anne Robinson  explains her success was down to her desire to fend off amorous MPs

Anne Robinson's success was driven by her desire to fend off amorous MPs 

Anne Robinson’s success was driven by her desire to fend off amorous MPs 

‘I’m in a Steps tribute band. It’s called Ramps.’

Joke that helped cerebral palsy sufferer Lost Voice Guy win Britain’s Got Talent.

‘Tonight on Five: naked stupid venal morally bankrupt spiritually dead actually pretty ugly young people f****** for money.’

Commentator Giles Coren’s take on Love Island.

‘If you truly want to be a feminist, women aren’t birds.’

Grace Campbell castigates her father – former spin doctor Alastair – for his choice of language.

‘He was nice but said he preferred Paddington.’

Hugh Grant reveals the reaction of his 89-year-old father after witnessing the actor’s gay scenes in A Very English Scandal.

‘I’d walk in with my boobs about to explode and these blokes would look resentful that I’d roused them from their beauty sleep.’

Radio 3 presenter Clemency Burton-Hill reveals how BBC night workers took over a nursing mothers’ room.

BBC Radio 3 presenter Clemency Burton-Hill 

BBC Radio 3 presenter Clemency Burton-Hill