Most sexually experienced men are aware that lots of women find it difficult to have an orgasm through penetration alone.
What they don’t realise is the ‘orgasm gap’ isn’t just about women not climaxing during intercourse – it’s about women not having an orgasm at all with a partner.
Only 55 to 60 per cent of women usually have orgasms when they have sex with a partner, compared to 95 per cent of men.
The reasons why?
Not enough clitoral stimulation, ineffective technique, bad communication and pressure from their partner.
The good news is that most of these problems can be fixed simply and easily.
(I’ve aimed this advice at straight couples, by the way, because, of all couple combinations, this is where the highest orgasm gap occurs.)
Tracey Cox reveals how women can achieve an orgasm with their partner (stock image)
INCREASE YOUR ORGASMS GENERALLY
The first and obvious question to ask to be able to start closing the orgasm gap is this.
Do you know how to make yourself orgasm?
If you don’t know how, there’s little chance your partner will be able to.
There are lots of guides on how to masturbate online. Do some research and explore your body.
Using a vibrator is the easiest way to orgasm.
Once you’re able to orgasm this way, you’ll know what you’re aiming for. You can then try doing it with your fingers to see if you can climax that way as well.
Most women have faked an orgasm at some time or another. But it’s senseless to be faking them, continually, with someone you want to stay with long-term.
Be honest with your partner. Show them this article.
Explain that lots of women can masturbate to orgasm easily solo but find it difficult with a partner because they’re self-conscious, feel under pressure to perform and are anxious to please.
TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF
If you explain how you’re feeling and get your partner to stop making orgasm the goal, you’ll remove most of the obstacles.
Women who orgasm frequently with their partners know it doesn’t matter if they don’t.
(If your partner judges you or insists it’s a problem only you have, they’re the problem, not your body!)
GIVE CLEAR DIRECTIONS
Tracey Cox (pictured) reveals how women can achieve an orgasm with their partner
Ineffectual technique is one of the main reasons why women don’t orgasm with their partner.
If you don’t want to call him on what he’s doing wrong, simply say, ‘Something weird is happening with me at the moment. The usual stuff doesn’t seem to be working like it used to. Let’s try it another way.’
Then take him through, step by step, what does work for you.
Show him where your clitoris is
Has he had a look in broad daylight?
It’s dark down there and it’s easy to lose his bearings.
Make sure he can see exactly what he’s aiming for when he gives you oral sex or if he’s using a vibrator or his fingers on you during penetrative sex.
STIMULATE YOUR INNER CLITORIS
Ninety per cent of the clitoris is hidden: the part you just showed your partner is just the tip or the glans.
Imagine the tip is the top of a wishbone and each leg of it runs down either side of the vulva.
That’s the shape of the clitoris – it’s bigger than you think as well. About 10cm in length from the tip of the glans to the end of one leg.
But wait, there’s more!
Imagine two thicker, bulbous ‘legs’ also coming out of the top of the wishbone.
These are called vestibular bulbs and they extend through and behind the labia (the lips covering the entrance to the vagina), running by the urethra, vaginal canal and towards the anus.
Your inner clitoris gets ‘accidentally’ stimulated sometimes. Make it deliberate and you’ll up your chances of orgasm.
Explore your inner clitoris by using your vibrator externally in areas you normally don’t.
Instead of using it directly on the clitoris, press the vibrator firmly into the side of the mons. Try both sides: one is usually more sensitive than the other; also try pressing it firmly against the perineum.
Once you know your other hot spots, you can direct his fingers, tongue, penis or vibrator into these areas.
DON’T TIME YOURSELF
There is research that says it takes the average woman 20 minutes to orgasm.
The 20 minute theory is good in that it reminds us that it takes time to stimulate a clitoris to orgasm. But how long it takes you to climax is affected by so many factors, it’s pretty pointless information.
If you’re really aroused before your partner even goes there, it might take mere minutes.
If your lover isn’t experienced or his technique is poor, it might take double that time – or (more likely) not happen at all.
It makes everything feel better: many an inexperienced hand has felt mighty good if you add enough lubrication.
Use lube on your vulva, inside your vagina, on his penis, a sex toy and your anus if you enjoy anal stimulation.
INCREASE INTERCOURSE ORGASMS
I’m not talking about vaginal orgasms here. Simply upping your chance of having an orgasm during penetrative sex.
Do vaginal orgasms even exist?
I’m with US sex therapist Ian Kerner (author of She Comes First) who says ‘I don’t want to say they’re a myth because some women do have them. But it’s very rare for women to take a dildo or a vibrator and have an orgasm simply by thrusting’.
There are no nerve endings in the vagina itself – the internal muscular canal that the penis thrusts into.
The pleasurable feelings you get from penetration actually come from indirect stimulation of the inner clitoris.
An orgasm is an orgasm: they all originate from some type of clitoral stimulation (indirect or direct).
Here’s what will make any type of orgasm more likely.
HAVE FOREPLAY LONGER
Wait until you’re almost about to climax, through your partner using their mouth, fingers or a vibrator, and move into penetrative sex at the last moment.
If you’re starting ‘cold’ – he penetrates before the vulva has been stimulated at all – orgasm is much less likely to happen.
MAKE SURE YOUR PELVIC FLOOR MUSCLES ARE TONED
Yes, yes, you know you should be doing your kegel exercises but who actually does them, right?
Women who want to continue to enjoy intense orgasms, that’s who!
The stronger your pelvic floor grips his penis, the better it feels for you as well.
An orgasm involves the muscles contracting. If the muscles are weak, the feeling of orgasm is more like a flutter than an intense pulsation.
DO A VERSION OF CAT
For those not in the know, the Coital Alignment Technique is a method of thrusting, in the missionary position, where his shoulders and head are about six inches higher up the bed than normal.
His penis doesn’t insert fully into the vagina. Instead, the bottom of it pulls hard against the clitoris.
The CAT technique dramatically increases the likelihood of a woman orgasming. The reason why no-one does it is that it’s difficult to master.
Steal the basic principles.
Keep your pelvises pressed closely together during intercourse, rather than have him pull back, and get him to ride higher when he’s on top to put pressure on the internal clitoris.
Rock together, rather than thrust, and use your legs as leverage to maintain a steady rhythm.
SQUAT IF YOU ON TOP
If you straddle and rest on your knees, you have less control. Instead, keep your feet flat on the bed or ground, lean forward and take charge of the thrusting by lifting your heels up and using your thigh muscles.
Keep your pelvis close to his and grind against it to maintain the all-important pressure on the clitoris.
GO FOR THE G-SPOT
Women who do climax during intercourse without extra clitoral stimulation tend to do it through G-spot activated orgasms.
The G-spot is on the front wall of the vagina – the bit below your tummy – so him from behind positions give him a clear shot.
It also means your hands are free to hold a vibrator on your clitoris, increasing your chances of orgasm to, well, a sure thing.
Put pillows under your bottom when he’s on top. It increases the contact between his pelvis and your clitoris.
MOVE YOUR LEGS
Pull your knees up to your chest or wrap them around his back or lift your legs high and rest one or both feet on his shoulders. This angles the vaginal canal favourably.
Tracey’s new book Great Sex Starts at 50 is available to preorder on amazon and booktopia. Her new Soft Feel product range, for women who find sex uncomfortable, is available from Lovehoney.