It’s not rocket science: CRAIG BROWN discovers Nigel Farage can fix all your problems 

My grandson gave me a Rubik’s Cube for my birthday, but I’m finding matching up all the colours very tricky. Advice, please!

NIGEL SAYS: Not a problem. Do you know what? Don’t listen to those people who tell you it’s going to be difficult. And bear this in mind: they don’t want you to succeed.

Frankly, Rubik’s Cube couldn’t be easier. If you’re having a bit of trouble matching up all the colours — well, that’s exactly what they want. They’ve been signing away your freedoms by the barrel-load. So what I say is this: sorry guys, but the genie’s out of the bottle.

NIGEL SAYS: Not a problem. Do you know what? Don’t listen to those people who tell you it’s going to be difficult. And bear this in mind: they don’t want you to succeed

Here’s what happened. The European boffins and bureaucrats who invented the Rubik’s Cube didn’t want us to get it right — so they put all sorts of barriers in our way.

First, you twist it one way. Then, you twist it another. Then you try a third way. But still the colours don’t match. So what do you do? I’ll tell you what you do.

You get a penknife and you chop it into individual squares. And you know something? Now you can match those colours in a matter of minutes. And it’s called self-government. Easy!

q Can you make an omelette without breaking eggs, Nigel?

NIGEL SAYS: Of course you can! But there are some people — no names, no pack drill — who are determined to prevent us making any omelettes without breaking eggs.

You know what? They say it can’t be done.

Nothing new there.

So why do they maintain — despite literally mountains of evidence to the contrary — that you can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs?

And why do they try to enforce a blanket shut-down of all opinion to the contrary?

The reason is simple.

Because they know that millions and millions of ordinary people in this country realise that they are talking — not to put too fine a point on it — UTTER BLOODY RUBBISH!

In fact, all the best omelettes I’ve ever eaten — and, let’s face it, I’ve eaten a few — have been made from eggs with their shells intact.

Decent eggs.



More from Craig Brown for the Daily Mail…

Delicious eggs.

Eggs that have EVERY RIGHT to remain in their shells. Eggs that have no wish to look all flat, soft and squishy.

So what I say to you is this. Yes, you CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs.

And don’t let any boffin, foreign or not, try to tell you otherwise.

q On a day out in the countryside, I recently lost a needle in a haystack. Now they’re telling me it’ll be hard to find. Any advice, Nigel?

NIGEL SAYS: Well, they would say that, wouldn’t they?!! Look, it’s not a problem. And whoever tries to tell you otherwise is talking utter cobblers, if you’ll pardon my French.

First, they try to tell you that the needle is lost!

But how can a needle be lost when we all know exactly where it is?! The fact of the matter is — it’s in the haystack!

You started with a needle. And now you have a haystack as well. It’s win-win.

You see, what they don’t want you to know is that, the more needles you ‘lose’, the more haystacks you find.

Because, frankly, there’s nothing a haystack loves more than a needle.

So that must be good news. I tell you, we’ve got an amazing opportunity here. Within a year, countries the world over will be literally queuing up to do business with us. So let’s for heaven’s sake not miss out. It’s as simple as that.

q I am planning a holiday to the moon, Nigel. Any tips on how to get there?

NIGEL SAYS: Let’s face it, getting to the Moon is not rocket science.

Thousands of men and women have been going to the moon and back for decades now. Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt.

But here’s the point. Our Westminster politicians don’t want you to know how easy it is, do they — because, I’m sorry to say, they are determined to keep the moon in the hands of the narrow elite.

And you know what? The public have had enough.

We all witness the liberal elite sunning themselves on the moon and we say, hang on, aren’t these the very same people who’ve just been telling us it can’t be done?

But you mustn’t point this out, or they’ll accuse you of racism!