It’s 2020 and there’s only one television show giving audiences what they really want.
These days, simply seeing a beating heart being ripped out on national TV is not enough – no, we want to see the bride stomping on it as family members watch on in horror and disbelief.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back Married At First Sight.
Read my lips: MAFS 2020 kicked off with a car crash wedding on Monday night – but is anybody really buying Poppy Jennings’ (pictured) big lie?
On Monday night, Australia’s guilty pleasure returned with a double wedding that was, by the show’s lofty standards, rather subdued.
That was reportedly due to a desire to showcase more ‘genuine’ personalities on night one, while saving the truly unhinged for later.
But if ‘Fake Panic’ Poppy and ‘Fake Boobs’ Cathy are the most ‘genuine’ personalities Nine has to offer, we’re in for a wild ride.
Before to the weddings, we were treated to the hens and bucks nights, an event that is supposed to be a friendly first meeting for the new contestants.
This week on happy marriages: Poppy, a mother-of-two who regrets not giving her kids a ‘full-time’ dad and Luke, a Fly In, Fly Out worker who won’t be around for weeks at a time – what could possibly go wrong!?
But in true MAFS fashion, they play more like a metaphor for society itself, as desperate social climbers with about as much authenticity as a Scott Morrison handshake jockey for status by humiliating others.
During the Hens last night, the women swarmed on reformed drug addict Hayley Vernon for ‘making everything about her’.
Ironically, the shame brigade was led by Stacey Hampton – a mother-of-two who took over operations of Adelaide institution Chicken Castle in 2016, only to be flooded with customer complaints about the ‘self-centred’ new management, before the store closed for good.
She’s just not that into you: Poppy suffered a crisis of confidence last night. She realised she wasn’t attracted to her groom and instead of telling him, offered: ‘I just miss my kids!’
EVERYTHING’S FINE: But being a human, Poppy chose to internalise her sadness instead of being honest resulting in a post-vow panic attack, brought to you by Jim Beam in a wine glass
So, thirty minutes in and with the Decent Human Being counter still sitting at zero, we cut to the infamous ‘Relationship Expert’ couple matching meeting.
Here, John Aiken, Mel Schilling and pheromone fanatic Dr. Trisha ‘Scratch and Sniff’ Stratford try to act like their objectively bonkers pairings aren’t formulated for the sole purpose of creating drama.
Naturally, it’s hard to trust a group of people who, after seven seasons, are responsible for a fake marriage divorce rate higher than the national average.
I (don’t) want to go home: Now, we can all see straight through her lie. Poppy realised that if she admitted she didn’t like Luke, she’d have to leave the show on night one
This week, the ‘expert’ panel condemns struggling single mother Poppy Jennings to a life sentence with happy-go-lucky nice guy Luke Elgin.
A Photographer and mother-of-two who regrets not giving her kids a ‘full-time’ dad and a Fly In, Fly Out worker who won’t be around for weeks at a time – what could possibly go wrong?
Turns out everything. You see, as Poppy’s walking down the aisle, she looks up at Luke and is clearly disappointed with the man staring back at her.
What about me sponnys? So, faced with the possibility of leaving without a single Bondi Sands sponsorship to show for it, Poppy pulls an Ash Barty and uses her ‘children’ as a human shield
The honest thing to do would have been to openly express her concerns. But being a human, Poppy chose to internalise her sadness instead, resulting in a post-vow panic attack, brought to you by a wine glass filled with Jim Beam.
When asked what was wrong, she played the ‘I just really miss my kids’ card. The truth, however, was painted all over her face.
Firstly, her face says that Poppy doesn’t like Luke. Fair enough – he’s a genuine, caring and selfless people-pleaser. Gross!
Future followers > Present happiness: How long can she keep up the charade with Luke? Well, how long is a money-coloured piece of string?
But there was more to it to that. You see, Poppy realised that her lack of attraction would also mean a lack of TV time, it would mean packing up and leaving the show on night one. No fame, no gain.
So, faced with the possibility of leaving without a single Bondi Sands sponsorship to show for it (and isn’t that the whole point?) Poppy pulls an Ash Barty and uses her children as a human shield.
She knows nobody would dare question a young mother’s devotion to her kids and opts to trade present happiness for future followers.
Boooring: Elsewhere on Monday, logistics manager Cathy married industrial operator Josh. Those two seem legitimately in love and are therefore of no interest to me in the slightest
How long can she keep up the charade with Luke? Well, how long is a money-coloured piece of string?
Elsewhere on Monday, logistics manager Cathy married industrial operator Josh. Those two seem legitimately in love and are therefore of no interest to me in the slightest.
Because in the MAFS viewer hierarchy, just like in life, the nice ones finish last. Just ask Luke!
*Crying on the inside*: Because in the MAFS viewer hierarchy, just like in life, the nice ones finish last. Just ask Luke!