SAUCY SECRETS: I spotted my sister’s boyfriend somewhere he should NOT be – do I tell her what I saw?

Dear Jana,  

I saw my sister’s boyfriend on a gay dating app. I don’t want to out him but I think she deserves to know. Do I tell her?

Nicholas

Dear, dear, Nicholas. Throw your phone in a river and walk away very quickly. This is not your ‘outing’ to do. Perhaps he’s a little curious, or perhaps he’s thrown himself right into the gay dating app scene. Who knows. Not you, so I would keep right out of it.

What I would be doing instead, is having a quiet word with him. Show him your evidence and offer him a safe space to open up. Perhaps he’s feeling societal pressures to stay firmly in the closet and if so, that’s just bloody sad. Or if he’s doing the dirty on your sister at least you can give him a bit of a scare and hopefully push him towards having his own conversation with her.

The one thing I know is it is never our job to ‘out’ someone. They will do it themselves when they are ready.

Dear Jana,

Last night I drank a few too many margaritas and hooked up with my best friend’s ex-husband. I can’t even blame it on the alcohol, I’ve liked him for years and we’ve always had a bit of a flirt but last night it turned into something more and I liked it. 

Now I can’t stop thinking about him, but I know I shouldn’t. She’s already got a new boyfriend but I still feel bad. 

I have two questions –  do I have to tell my best friend, and would it be bad if I hooked up with him again?

Help!

Olivia  

Ooooh Olivia you are going to hell! That aside, let’s unpack this a little shall we. You’ve hooked up with a guy you like (yay!) but there’s a pretty big chance your bestie will not be impressed (boo!).

The typical answer would be ‘mates before dates’ but knowing how hard it is to find a good match these days I’m hesitant to tell you that. Especially because I have a friend who is now married to her best friend’s ex. So who knows, you could be passing up a chance to land a soul mate for the sake of a friendship.

First of all, I would suss out if the bloke is into you or just after a fun one-night stand. If the answer is a ONS, I would zip the lips and pray that no one saw you two hook-up. 

However, if there’s a possibility of exploring this connection more, then I would take your bestie for a wine (or 10) and fess up. Perhaps leave out the part where you’ve liked him for years. She doesn’t need to know that. Yes she will probably be upset, but give her time to process it and she may just surprise you.

Jana Hocking shares advice on what to do if your relationship isn’t going smoothly

Dear Jana, 

 I’ve been dating a guy for three months who is so loving, great on texts, amazing in bed and not bad on the eye but every now and then he’ll say something misogynistic that really ruffles my feathers

He works in construction and they’ve got a new female employee. He said to me last night ‘I think she should be paid less because she’s not as strong as the rest of us.’ I wanted to slap him. 

He also makes casual sexist comments about my best friend who is single and occasionally shares details of her one night stands. I hate the way he judges her. 

Should I leave him or is it possible to teach a man how to not be sexist? Everything else in our relationship is perfect. 

Mia

Oh Mia, as someone who has aborted a date early when the bloke started quoting Andrew Tate, I feel for you. Sadly, this casual misogyny is everywhere and when it sneaks into conversation it can be highly annoying and deeply disrespectful.

As much as my brain thinks you should say ‘too-taa-loo loser’, I also understand that it’s never that easy. Especially when he shows a lot of lovely traits as well. 

Talking to a male friend about your dilemma, he explained that with more women coming into power with their sexuality (your best friend) and in the work force (his new colleague) many men are now feeling like their traditional masculinity is under attack.

There’s a reason Andrew Tate had 4.6million followers before he was booted off Instagram. It’s because MANY men are feeling threatened by powerful women and yes, it’s utterly ridiculous but we can’t deny it’s happening.

Rather than take the bait when he says things that make your skin crawl, I would find out where it’s coming from? Challenge him on his thoughts. Ask him if he’s feeling a little insecure about a woman being on the work site? Get him to look at his words in a new light. He may not respond how you want him to straight away, but I guarantee you he will go away and think about it.

If not, boot him. Would you want to bring up daughters with a man like that? Nope.