TUESDAY, OCTOBER 15
Radio Times has been running a mischievous online poll on who should replace Lord Sugar as host of The Apprentice. Of course, I sensed a glorious opportunity to compound his intense irritation at the poll’s very existence.
‘Vote for me!’ I beseeched my 6.8 million Twitter followers, and many of them duly did.
So much so that I won by a landslide, receiving almost half (49.8%) of the 8,000 votes and beating Peter Jones (16%) and Sir Richard Branson (12%) into second and third place.
Showbiz is sadly full of two-faced slimeballs who are all over you like a cheap rash in person but spew poison about you when they think you’re not looking – isn’t it, David Walliams?
Sugar took all this as well as you’d expect. ‘It’s all rubbish!’ he rage-tweeted, ‘A wind-up! Radio Times just hypothesising. Piers Morgan would not have a clue in the Apprentice boardroom.’
Hmm, given I was chosen as winner of Celebrity Apprentice by the now President of the United States, I’d say I’m very skilled in Apprentice boardrooms.
Now, until this poll, I had no desire to replace Lord Sugar. And I doubt the BBC can afford me anyway. But as we’ve learnt with Brexit, the will of the people cannot be ignored. So I may have to do it, for the good of the country.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 16
Twitter has an option where you can see which other verified accounts (those with enough clout to command a prized blue tick against their name) ‘like’ something you’ve posted or has been posted about you.
It soars the soul to see the words ‘Cindy Crawford liked this tweet’ after I post a selfie.
But it can be rather unsettling to see who likes stuff that’s not so flattering about you.
For the past year or so, the same well-known name has regularly popped up on my feed ‘liking’ the most vicious, horrible abuse posted about me. What’s weird is that he’s always perfectly pleasant to my face.
But then showbiz is sadly full of two-faced slimeballs who are all over you like a cheap rash in person but spew poison about you when they think you’re not looking – isn’t it, David Walliams?
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 29
I was 13 when Grease came out, and like most boys of my age, enjoyed lively teenage fantasies about Olivia Newton-John in THAT black leather outfit she wore for the film’s finale song, You’re The One That I Want.
Tonight, I finally got to meet the object of those fantasies.
Olivia, who played Sandy Olsson alongside John Travolta’s Danny Zuko, is now 71 and sadly battling stage four cancer. As a result, she’s decided to sell 500 items from her career, including the black leather Grease number, to raise money for her cancer charity. I was invited to the preview party at Julien’s Auctions in Beverly Hills.
‘Olivia, we meet at least!’ I exclaimed as we were introduced. ‘Hi Piers! It’s so nice of you to come!’ she replied.
‘Are you kidding?’ I replied. ‘I’ve waited 41 years for this. I just want a photo of us I can post on social media with the caption, “I was the one she really wanted.” ’
She laughed. ‘Of course! Let’s do it.’ So I finally got to cuddle my teenage dream-girl.
Olivia looked fabulously youthful and vibrant despite her debilitating condition, something she credits to her husband John – an American herbalist who’s weaned her off morphine and on to natural treatments including cannabis.
‘What was your favourite Grease song?’ I asked.
‘Hopelessly Devoted To You.’
I spied the famous black leather outfit, which was so tight that Olivia had to be sewn into it.
‘I hear it might go for up to $200,000,’ said my wife Celia.
Olivia grinned and shook her head.
‘I think it will go for a lot more than that…’
‘So do I!’ I agreed. ‘It’s… it’s… well, let’s just say it’s made a lot of men very happy.’
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 30
Simon Cowell was supposed to be hosting a lavish 60th birthday party tonight for 90 friends, including me, at La Famiglia restaurant in Chelsea. But it was cancelled at the last minute, leaving us all to wonder what the hell had happened.
Had his latest Botox procedure gone horribly wrong? Did he suddenly get cold feet about ‘celebrating’ his sixth decade, a milestone that isn’t always a joyful one for people with his ginormous vanity? Perhaps someone tipped him the wink that I’d (genuinely) bought him a Zimmer frame as a gift? Or was he worried I might have a fight with David Walliams?
Turns out Simon scrapped the party after X Factor ratings plunged to a record low for his once all-conquering talent show. He said he wanted to focus on fixing it, rather than partying.
This didn’t surprise me; Simon’s the most competitive person I’ve ever met, and being so badly demolished by Strictly Come Dancing will be eating him alive. When I interviewed him for this magazine a year ago, he insisted: ‘I don’t care much about ratings any more.’
Then, as I burst out laughing at this absurd statement, he blustered: ‘Piers, I swear to God that’s the truth!’
I didn’t believe a word of it then, and now we have the proof it was a load of old baloney. Ratings mean EVERYTHING to him.
Of course, that burning hatred of losing is also the reason why he’s remained at the top of his game for so long.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 31
I’ve been off Good Morning Britain for two weeks, ostensibly on ‘holiday’ in LA, though the ferocious fires that engulfed the city came close enough (three miles) to my Beverly Hills home to prompt relaxation-wrecking ‘emergency evacuation’ messages to my phone.
I presumed this might induce a slither of sympathy from my GMB co-host Susanna Reid, and perhaps even relief at my safe return. ‘Did you almost miss me?’ I texted her, on landing back in London.
‘No,’ came the full response.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 2
Olivia Newton-John’s black leather Grease outfit sold tonight for $405,700 – double the estimate. She’s still got it.