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ALEX MICHAEL recaps Big Brother: Kieran gets taken to white padded room

 It’s been several weeks since Angela, ‘the last interesting housemate’, was mercilessly spared.

For no apparent reason, Adelaide’s worst driver was offered the same respite on Monday. I’ve had sneezes more interesting than him. 

Nobody asked for it, nobody wanted it, but here it is. That may as well be the tagline for the ‘new’ Big Brother.

Welcome home: Kieran was saved from elimination and whisked to the familiar surroundings of a white padded room on Monday. ‘Wait a second?’ he asked. ‘I thought only the interesting ones got saved?’

Sophie’s Chump

Aftermath: With nobody left for the lighthearted cold open, we were instead dropped into the aftermath of Casey's elimination at the hands of Sophie on Tuesday

Aftermath: With nobody left for the lighthearted cold open, we were instead dropped into the aftermath of Casey’s elimination at the hands of Sophie on Tuesday

With nobody left for the lighthearted cold open, we were instead dropped into the aftermath of Casey’s elimination at the hands of Sophie on Tuesday.

‘Hey, Soph! Pack your bags, you’re next!’ barked Dan and Mat, who forgot how to think for themselves shortly after entering into a toxic, co-dependent bromance in week three. 

This seemed like a pretty clear-cut threat, but Sophie still needed to consult the brain trust: Chad.

Sophie: ‘Hey, babe. Something about what Dan and Mat said makes me think they’re going to eliminate me next?’

You're next! 'Hey Soph! Pack your bags, you're next!' barked Dan and Mat, who forgot how to think for themselves after entering into a toxic, co-dependent bromance in week 3

You’re next! ‘Hey Soph! Pack your bags, you’re next!’ barked Dan and Mat, who forgot how to think for themselves after entering into a toxic, co-dependent bromance in week 3

Chad: ‘Really? That’s not what I took from it at all.’

Sophie: ‘What did you take from it?’

Chad: ‘More, like. Packing bags an’ that.’

Sophie: ‘So you think I’m safe?’

Chad: ‘From what?’   

Brain's trust: Sophie: 'Hey babe? Something about what Dan and Mat said makes me feel like they might want to eliminate me next?' Chad: 'Really? That's not what I took from it at all'

Brain’s trust: Sophie: ‘Hey babe? Something about what Dan and Mat said makes me feel like they might want to eliminate me next?’ Chad: ‘Really? That’s not what I took from it at all’

Sophie: ‘I get it, you’re so smart! You’re saying life is pointless and nothing really matters?’

Chad: ‘A hundo per cent. Giz a kiss?’

Sophie: ‘Silly me! This whole time I thought Mat and Dan wanted to eliminate me next!’ 

Chad: ‘From what?’

Sophie (swooning): ‘You’re so deep.’

So help me God, If one of these two Steven Bradburys their way to $250k, we riot.

Sophie: 'I get it, you're so smart! You're saying life is pointless and nothing really matters?' Chad: 'A hundo per cent. Giz a kiss?'

Sophie: ‘I get it, you’re so smart! You’re saying life is pointless and nothing really matters?’ Chad: ‘A hundo per cent. Giz a kiss?’

It’s Bullying Week!  

Kieran was in the lounge room, explaining his strategy for surviving until the final six. 'You gotta be smart,' he began. 'Like, you can't be a moron and still be here. You need to be strategical!'

Kieran was in the lounge room, explaining his strategy for surviving until the final six. ‘You gotta be smart,’ he began. ‘Like, you can’t be a moron and still be here. You need to be strategical!’

'Totally, ay': Chad nodded extra hard in approval, fooling nobody

‘Totally, ay’: Chad nodded extra hard in approval, fooling nobody

Kieran was in the lounge room, explaining his strategy for surviving until the final six.

‘You gotta be smart,’ he began. ‘Like, you can’t be a moron and still be here. You need to be strategical!’

Chad nodded extra hard in approval, fooling nobody. 

‘A hundo per cent,’ he added. ‘Giz a kiss?’

The singular entity of Dan and Mat (herein D&M) called an emergency meeting with Chad, in the 'privacy' of the open-planned and acoustically dampened kitchen, where they proceeded to b***h about Kieran

The singular entity of Dan and Mat (herein D&M) called an emergency meeting with Chad, in the ‘privacy’ of the open-planned and acoustically dampened kitchen, where they proceeded to b***h about Kieran

Hearing this, the singular entity of Dan & Mat (henceforth referred to as D&M) called an emergency meeting with Chad, in the ‘privacy’ of the open-planned kitchen.

D&M: ‘Thing about Kieran is that his biggest threat is he’s so nonthreatening.’

Chad: ‘A hundo per cent. And all that stuff he was sayin’ about bein’ a genius an’ that.’

D&M: 'Thing about Kieran is that his biggest threat is he's so nonthreatening.' Chad: 'A hundo per cent. And all that stuff he was sayin' about bein' a genius an' that'

D&M: ‘Thing about Kieran is that his biggest threat is he’s so nonthreatening.’ Chad: ‘A hundo per cent. And all that stuff he was sayin’ about bein’ a genius an’ that’

D&M (laughing): 'Chad, mate. If the bloke was smart, don't you think he would have passed his L-plates by now?' Stupid question, Chad doesn't think

D&M (laughing): ‘Chad, mate. If the bloke was smart, don’t you think he would have passed his L-plates by now?’ Stupid question, Chad doesn’t think

D&M (laughing): ‘Chad, mate. If the bloke was smart, don’t you think he would have passed his L-plates by now?’

Stupid question, Chad doesn’t think. 

Kieran: ‘Hey, you know we can all hear you, right? This house is open-planned AF.’

Dan and Mat ran. Chad stood very still and slowly backed away – a technique he learned on The Crocodile Hunter. 

Kieran: 'Hey, you know we can all hear you, right? It's an open-planned house.' Dan and Mat ran. Chad stood very still and slowly backed away - a technique he learned on The Crocodile Hunter

Kieran: ‘Hey, you know we can all hear you, right? It’s an open-planned house.’ Dan and Mat ran. Chad stood very still and slowly backed away – a technique he learned on The Crocodile Hunter

What’s In The Box? 

Weekly reward challenge: 'Housemates. Looks like you've been getting into the spirit of international bullying week, which is odd seeing as though I haven't announced it yet,' said Big Brother

Weekly reward challenge: ‘Housemates. Looks like you’ve been getting into the spirit of international bullying week, which is odd seeing as though I haven’t announced it yet,’ said Big Brother

Big Brother called the housemates into the backyard for the weekly reward challenge.  

‘Housemates. Looks like you’ve been getting into the spirit of international bullying week, which is odd seeing as though I haven’t even announced it yet,’ he said.

The housemates nodded extra hard in approval, fooling nobody. 

'One by one, you will enter a wind booth and grab either a pink or blue envelope. Pink is a reward; blue is a thinly-veiled excuse to bully Kieran.'

‘One by one, you will enter a wind booth and grab either a pink or blue envelope. Pink is a reward; blue is a thinly-veiled excuse to bully Kieran.’

‘One by one, you will enter a wind booth blindfolded and grab either a pink or blue envelope,’ he said. ‘Kieran hasn’t cracked yet, but this challenge will do it!’

‘Pink is a reward; blue is a thinly-veiled excuse to bully Kieran.’ 

All told, Kieran ended up with permanent dish-washing duties, his belongings confiscated, and a large pepperoni pizza. 

‘Pink envelope represent!’ he beamed in between bites.

All told, Kieran ended up with permanent dish-washing duties, his belongings confiscated, and a large pepperoni pizza. Pictured: Daniel and Mat trashing all the dishes to mess with him

All told, Kieran ended up with permanent dish-washing duties, his belongings confiscated, and a large pepperoni pizza. Pictured: Daniel and Mat trashing all the dishes to mess with him

Some Balls 

Balls: The stupid eviction challenge was 'who can balance these balls on a board for three hours?' which Chad won

Balls: The stupid eviction challenge was ‘who can balance these balls on a board for three hours?’ which Chad won

The stupid eviction challenge was ‘who can balance these balls on a board for three hours?’ Apparently, it’s Chad.

He had the opportunity to put D&M up for eviction, thus effectively removing the last remaining threats.

Luckily he had that conversation with Sophie earlier!

Big decision: He had the opportunity to put D&M up for eviction, thus effectively removing the only remaining threats. Luckily he had that conversation with Sophie earlier!

Big decision: He had the opportunity to put D&M up for eviction, thus effectively removing the only remaining threats. Luckily he had that conversation with Sophie earlier!

‘Yeah, I’m nominating Kieran coz I don’t know why or whatever, and Mat, as a safe option,’ he decided.

Big Brother: ‘Ok. No worries.’  

Chad: ‘Wait up, isn’t this the point where you question the contestant’s logic?’ 

Big Brother (baffled): ‘Your logic? That’s like asking me to question a witness in the death of Jeffrey Epstein: there isn’t any.

Kieran copped all three nominations and was seemingly on his way out… 

'Yeah, I'm nominating Kieran coz I don't know why or whatever, and Mat, as a safe option,' he decided. Kieran copped all three nominations and was seemingly on his way out

‘Yeah, I’m nominating Kieran coz I don’t know why or whatever, and Mat, as a safe option,’ he decided. Kieran copped all three nominations and was seemingly on his way out

It’s Just Not White 

Saved! Just like Angela, Big Brother spared Kieran at the last second, whisking him away to a white padded room. Kieran: 'Wait, why am I being spared? I thought that was only for interesting people?'

Saved! Just like Angela, Big Brother spared Kieran at the last second, whisking him away to a white padded room. Kieran: ‘Wait, why am I being spared? I thought that was only for interesting people?’

Kieran ended up getting the Angela treatment: spared at the last second and whisked away to a white padded room.

‘Wait, why am I being spared?’ he asked. ‘I thought that was only for the interesting ones?’ 

‘To be honest we were expecting you to crack under all that bullying, replied Big Brother. ‘We had a full blown mental asylum storyline ready and everything.’

‘But you’re a resilient little s**t, so just hang in here for a couple days.’ 

Big Brother: 'Yeah, we thought you were going to crack. We had a full blown mental asylum storyline ready, the works. But you're a resilient little s**t, so just hang in here for a few days.' Kieran cheered and jumped for joy

Big Brother: ‘Yeah, we thought you were going to crack. We had a full blown mental asylum storyline ready, the works. But you’re a resilient little s**t, so just hang in here for a few days.’ Kieran cheered and jumped for joy

Kieran cheered and jumped for joy. 

‘Oy, does anyone hear that?’ asked Chad from the kitchen. ‘Sounds like Dame Edna just won the Lotto next door?’

‘Sound really travels in ‘ere, ay?’

Meanwhile: 'Oy, does anyone hear that?' asked Chad from the lounge room. 'Sounds like Dame Edna just won the Lotto? Sound really travels in 'ere, ay?'

Meanwhile: ‘Oy, does anyone hear that?’ asked Chad from the lounge room. ‘Sounds like Dame Edna just won the Lotto? Sound really travels in ‘ere, ay?’

Read more at DailyMail.co.uk