A new mother has been urged to leave her husband after revealing that he started a 10-month affair just six weeks after she gave birth to their second child.
The unnamed British woman, 34, took to parenting forum Mumsnet to ask other mothers for their advice, after doubting her decision to stay with her childhood sweetheart.
Revealing that they had been together for 15 years, she explained that they had two children – aged five and one – and became distant after the birth of their youngest, sleeping in separate beds and with her partner often going on boys’ holidays – leaving her unsupported.
The mum-of-two revealed she discovered he was having an affair with a 25-year-old in March, and while the other woman claimed to love him, her husband said it was ‘just sex’, and begged her to forgive him – which she did.
British woman, 34, has been urged to leave her husband after revealing that he started a 10-month affair just six weeks after she gave birth to their second child
Taking to the forum to ask whether she had made the right decision, she wrote: ‘Me and my husband have always shared a loving, close, trusting relationship and love each other very much.’
Explaining how things changed, she continued: ‘After the birth of our first child, the dynamics of our relationship did change. I was breastfeeding and co-sleeping and finding time for each other was challenging.
‘After the birth of our 2nd child, the distance between us became more apparent. Again, I chose to breastfeed and co-sleep with our baby. Me and my husband were sleeping in separate beds and our sex life did diminish.
‘Again, my husband seemed to continue with his life as before; going out drinking with friends and going on lads holidays, and again, I felt unsupported; looking after 2 young children.’
And the majority of parents urged her to leave, slamming the husband for not supporting her and their new baby, and arguing that a ‘one-off may be forgivable but an affair was not’
Revealing that things continued to go downhill, she said: ‘In March of this year, I discovered that my husband was having an affair with a 25-year-old. He ended it immediately and said it was a massive mistake.
‘He said it was just sex, that he loves me and that he sincerely regrets his actions. The affair was going on for 10 months on and off in total and started when our second child was 6 weeks old.’
She continued: ‘My husband has never done anything like this before and has always been very loyal. It came as a massive shock and it was hard to accept.
‘I spoke to the other woman who said that she knew he was married with young children but that she had fallen in love with him.
‘My husband claims that he was not in love with her and had no intentions of leaving me; that he got into something that he couldn’t get out of and didn’t know where to turn.’
Another added: ‘He is only sorry he was caught, if he wasn’t caught, he would still be shagging her.’
Speaking about how she has coped since, the mother continued: ‘It has been four months since the discovery. My husband begged for forgiveness and I chose to stay as I love him dearly. My husband and I have been really close since the discovery.’
Revealing that her husband claimed he was ‘in a bad place’, she said: ‘It is evident that he is heartbroken by his actions and he frequently breaks down and says that it is the biggest mistake of his life. He says that he didn’t feel that I loved him, that I didn’t show him any attention or affection and that the other woman made him feel wanted.’
But despite taking him back, she admitted to still having doubts, concluding: ‘Whilst I feel that I have forgiven, or am trying to, I am still totally heartbroken and feel so betrayed. I cry every day and feel quite low.
‘I know my husband loves me and I think I believe that she meant nothing but I can not seem to move past the hurt and need some advice. Will things ever get any easier? Will the hurt ever go away?’
And the majority of parents urged her to leave, slamming the husband for not supporting her and their new baby, and arguing that a ‘one-off may be forgivable but an affair was not’.
Meanwhile one parent said she had been in the same position and still regrets not leaving.
One woman wrote: ‘Speaking as someone who was in your shoes, I’m sorry but it wasn’t a mistake. S******* her once and then realising it shouldn’t have happened is a mistake, carrying on an affair on and off for 10 months is NOT a mistake. 10 MONTHS he continued to see this woman.’
Another added: ‘He is only sorry he was caught, if he wasn’t caught, he would still be s******* her.’
Meanwhile one parent said she had been in the same position and still regrets not leaving.
She said: ‘This happened to me and 12 years on I wish I had left. I’m trying to leave now as there are other issues. You may have neglected him, but that’s probably because you had to do everything and he wasn’t giving you the support a new mother needs. He should have been looking after you.’
Agreeing, another wrote: ‘Your baby was 6 weeks old and he was out with another woman. You said he doesn’t blame you, but saying he thought you didn’t love him and that you were not giving affection clearly is placing the blame firmly on you. I’m sorry op, there’s no way I could move forward with this pr***. You feel low because of his actions.’
And one woman said she wouldn’t be able to trust him again, writing: ‘I could never forgive that’
And one woman said she wouldn’t be able to trust him again, writing: ‘I could never forgive that. A one off mistake would still be heartbreaking but I could try and get past it. A 10 month affair where they were probably having passionate sex and lots of excitement together would destroy me and I’d never trust a word he says again’.
But a few women claimed it was possible to move on from an affair, with one recalling her parents moving on after her father had two affairs.
She said: ‘I think it’s possible to forgive and move on from this. My father had two affairs – one in the early years of my parents marriage whereupon they split up for a time; the second when they were in their early fifties.
‘However, my mum made a decision to forgive him, start again, wipe the slate clean. It was hard for them both – my dad had to be an open book and basically had no privacy for a long time; and he had to accept that mum was entitled to be upset and angry and lash out at him sometimes.
‘It looks to me as if they pain eased over time. Now, they’re retired, and very happy. They go away together, have a great joint social life with their circle of friends, and I’m glad they stayed together.
‘It’s possible, but it won’t be easy and will take a long time. He’s going to have to work really hard . . . and unfortunately (unjustly) so will you.’
Another pondered that the affair may be forgivable but his personality could be the bigger problem, and concluded: ‘I do believe the whole affair can be seen as a mistake – she was willing to keep it secret and he knew it was wrong but he got short term satisfaction.
‘Men compartmentalise so I strongly doubt it’s just getting caught that he regrets. I’m sure he did hate what he was doing but couldn’t stop himself either. Getting caught is what he needed to realise what he could lose – it’s a bit like a child, they’ll lie and lie until they can’t lie anymore because they know they’ve done wrong.
‘The bits before do sound like he was a bit of a s*** partner and I think that is a huge area you need to focus on. Unless that changes and you see proper change from him, then you can’t really move on – affair aside – you need tangible evidence of commitment.’
But a few women claimed it was possible to move on from an affair, with one recalling her parents moving on after her father had two affairs