In my 30 years as a psychotherapist, I’ve learned there are many ways we can protect ourselves from the worst outcomes.
It may not feel like it now, but the simple steps outlined below can give the strength and resilience to get through this…
There are many ways we can protect ourselves from the worst outcomes during this difficult period
It’s normal to be worried
We’re in limbo – and this is all the more disconcerting as, in these modern times, we expect the Government or ‘technology’ or scientists to fix our problems for us.
When they can’t, we panic. We hope that strength of will or ingenuity will see us through but, despite buying cartloads of toilet paper, we soon hit the brick wall of our own impotence.
The reality dawns that there’s little we can do and this leads to a dispiriting feeling of powerlessness.
I’ve been asked: ‘What will happen if my mother gets unwell and I can’t go and help her? She’s on her own. I don’t know I’ll do.’
Another told me: ‘My husband and I have a difficult relationship which stays on track because we are busy. I am terrified our social isolation will bring all the difficulties out in the open.’
Many shoppers have been panic-buying, leaving little on the shelves for the most vulnerable in our society
And an anguished friend asked: ‘I work in the catering business and have been made redundant. I don’t have any savings or support. What can I do?’
We are being forced to make changes that feel like a living loss, prompting all the usual feelings of grief: disbelief, sadness, fear, fury, and confusion.
But the first step is to realise that all of these feelings are normal and that, as we adapt to the new status quo, they will come and go. Don’t fight them.
Keep everyone close (well, virtually)
To be forced apart from one another through ‘social distancing’ is a direct assault on what it is to be human. We are tribal beings, born to connect. So we must find ways of continuing to do so.
The love of family and friends can help hold us steady when we’re shaken. Fortunately, technology exists to help.
People are being creative: using video conferencing to have ‘virtual’ dinner parties, often hundreds of miles apart from their guests, or sharing jokes and black humour on WhatsApp groups.
Perhaps we will even reignite the largely lost art of letter-writing. However you do it, any connection is better than no connection.
Try to stay calm… and think before you act
In childhood, we all learn how to cope with life’s difficulties. It becomes a pre-programmed response as we progress through life, and kicks in when times get tough.
Perhaps you switch off when you become overwhelmed, or absorb the challenge and become creative in the face of change.
Some catastrophise at every flicker of danger, others move to total denial. There is no ‘normal’ way to respond.
However you deal with such problems, it’s important to recognise that the mechanism is kicking in and take a breath.
Try to stay calm, to think more deeply, to discuss it with others and then choose how to respond.
Deciding how we want to react – rather than how our brains automatically think we should respond – means we can protect ourselves from letting negative feelings take charge.
Hold that glass of wine… alcohol won’t help
It might seem logical to block out the pain, but dismissing the problem or self-medicating with alcohol, cigarettes or drugs is more likely to do harm.
When we ignore our emotions, they build up and lead to panic. In turn, this triggers what is known as the fight/flight/freeze response which fires us up to run or fight, but switches off our capacity to think clearly.
It might seem logical to block out the pain, but dismissing the problem or self-medicating with alcohol, cigarettes or drugs is more likely to do harm
It can be helpful to remind ourselves that we have never had control over the things in life that matter most – birth, death and the behaviour and feelings of the people around us.
We can influence them, yes, but any ambition of having absolute control is futile.
The events around us are beyond our control, too. The sooner we accept that, the easier it will be.
Try digital detox – and put pen to paper instead
What we’re facing is invisible. There is ‘proof’ of what’s happening in the infection statistics and economic fallout.
But with little else to go on, our imagination can take hold and terrify us with any number of bleak scenarios.
We can reduce the ’emotional contagion’ by limiting contact with the news, either on websites, social media pages or on television.
Writing down how you feel instead of letting our imagination take hold of the horror will help keep your mind balanced
Instead, try writing down how you feel. This can switch on your cognitive mind, which is more balanced, and helps your brain recognise the difference between a fact, a thought and a feeling.
You also might find it helpful to immerse yourself in developing a plan of action – even if it is just for the next couple of hours, or the day or week ahead – which fosters a sense that you do have some control.
Get out the paintbrushes… or start a jigsaw
New projects will keep you motivated and distracted. Do the jobs around the house that you’ve avoided for ages for that flush of satisfaction.
Start a big jigsaw puzzle. Cooking, gardening, painting or any kind of craft are all brilliant at reminding you of your rewarding ability to create and complete something.
Go for a brisk walk before breakfast
Exercise is the fastest and easiest way to regulate and calm your body and mind. Ideally, get outside – even if it’s just for a walk or to do some light gardening.
If necessary, go out before breakfast when fewer people are around. Even if you can’t get outside, there are websites offering fitness tips.
Take it in turns to speak to defuse tensions
This is going to be bumpy ride for all of us, particularly when we bunker down at home together. Open communication is crucial.
There are going to be disagreements, but communicating love and repairing ruptures is important.
This means a willingness to listen to others and accept their views even if we don’t agree with them.
This is going to be bumpy ride for all of us, particularly when we bunker down at home together
Honesty builds trust and that, in turn, builds strong relationships. One useful exercise to defuse tension is to take it in turns to speak for five minutes each.
Discuss with everyone in your household, including children, the difficulties you face, the ways you usually deal with them, and what your strengths and vulnerabilities are. Discuss ways to mitigate the stress.
For example, someone might acknowledge they often get angry when they are worried.
This way, we can all help others to recognise when their anger is building and encourage them to take time out, to breathe, to take a walk if possible and then return.
Draw up a new weekly timetable for the family
Normal routines are impossible, so create a new structure to build comfort and familiarity.
Include time to work, to exercise and have fun together, and factor in some downtime.
Develop rules about getting up, getting dressed and allocating everyone daily tasks.
Try it out for a week, then revisit the plan and see what works and what doesn’t and revise accordingly.
Yes, it’s scary, so don’t forget to breathe
When we are scared, we stop breathing as deeply or regularly as we should and our body prepares to fight or run. Try to slow down your breathing.
One tip is to breathe in and count to seven; then breathe out and count to 11.
Apps such as Calm and Headspace have tools you can use to try easy meditation. Just a few minutes a day could help.
Remember the small pleasures in life…
You can’t predict the future, so focus on today and the joy you get from little things such as spending more time with your children, or a sunny day.
Create a ‘safe place’ in your mind, somewhere you know and love, and be aware of all the sights, sounds and smells of that place.
This is the place you should imagine when you start panicking. Adopting a sense of gratitude builds resilience. Jot down three things you are grateful for every night. Even tiny things count.
When you look back weeks later, it will demonstrate how well you have managed this crisis.
… And do what you know will make you happy
It might be a long, scented bath, flowers on the kitchen table, or making your favourite dish.
But whatever gives you comfort, make a point of doing it in the knowledge that you find it calming and soothing.
Do whatever makes you happy and gives you peace of mind, whether it be a long bath or making your favourite comfort food
It might be helpful to think about the serenity prayer: accept the things you cannot change, find the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Stick this mantra on your fridge.
Hold on – there’s a light at the end of the tunnel
It is hard to bear distress of the everyday if there’s no light at the end of the tunnel.
It might feel ‘hopeless’ at the moment, but hope is all about how we think.
It can be built up by setting realistic goals, by adapting to change with back-up plans, and by believing in our ability to get through these situations.
Stay connected to a friend in need
If you’re feeling powerless, helping other people benefits you and them.
Those living alone are more vulnerable to physical and mental illness, so stay in touch and make sure they feel connected.
Start building the new normal
The most important thing we can do is to face the reality of what is happening rather than burying our heads in the sand.
We are at the beginning of a difficult time. There will be painful and heartbreaking consequences for thousands of people.
It will draw on our collective and individual courage to face these challenges with compassion.
But in the long term, we may discover that we have changed our perspectives on what really matters in life, and recognised that we are stronger than we feared.
We will build a new normal which will be informed and influenced by the days we are living through now.
We have understood, since Darwin’s theory of natural selection, that we are wired to adapt. It is not easy.
It is an active process that demands commitment, action and endurance – and requires us to look at uncomfortable truths.
Yet I have seen hundreds of times how people who believe they will be broken by events go on to discover they have deep resources within themselves they could not have imagined.
- Julia Samuel is the author of This Too Shall Pass: Stories Of Change, Crisis And Hopeful Beginnings, published by Penguin.